Saturday, June 9, 2012

Learning to live again, or for the first time, maybe

Working definitely has its "advantages"
Being able to pay bills, so the cable/internet stays on, the electricity doesn't get shut off you know THAT sort of thing is important. (don't know if Ive mentioned we didn't have cable TV for three yrs once)

When I first starting working, you know with only a few weeks of clean time, I used to just get overwhelmed, almost immediately when I thought about it. I know, it sounds stupid, but when you haven't done something as simple as pay a utility bill on your own, all by yourself in years, its stressful.
So I used to give my grandma most of my paycheck, and had her "help me" or in other words, pretty much do it. A few months ago, I decided to open a checking account, and try to start taking care of more of these things myself.
Yesterday, I got paid and when I finished paying all the bills for the middle of the month, I had this wierd feeling of 'calmness'
I would say even last month, it was still a source of stress, or general anxiety. But yesterday was different. I'm not sure what I'm getting at, or what I'm trying to say. Other than, this learning to live sober thing, I'm still learning alot about life, and everything I didn't do for so long.

Another thing Ive noticed in just the last few days...........
Social situations, still make me anxious as hell. I'm not sure why, but something so simple as having lunch with the whole construction crew yesterday, was something that just made my stomach turn.
The large condo/resort job Ive been working on, is almost over, so the general contractor was buying everyone lunch at a place just down the block. At first I thought I'd go have free lunch, with everyone else. But then I started to get a stomach ache, when I thought about how many people would be there, how many of them I DON'T know, and a whole mess of other crap that goes along with those thoughts.
Then I told myself, its MY lunch break, and I can do WHATEVER it is that I want to do with it!!!

I hardly ever take a lunch break anyways, since being on this resort job. If I stay on schedule, according to the general contractor, I get bonuses. So as you can imagine, I don't mind working thru lunch to do that. It was just surprising, to admit to myself finnally, that social events (if you could call it that) with people I dont know or I'm unfamiliar with, are definitely a source of stress.
How am I going to deal with that??? I have NO idea.
I know what Im NOT going to do.
These situations never used to bother me when I was loaded, because how can you be stressed out when you've got 200 mg of oxy in your system, or methadone, or whatever else???
The answer is..........you cant.
At that point you dont care about much of anything.

Its nice to have this blog to come to and say 'out loud to myself' what Im thinking about or whats stressing me out.
Whatever helps me stay off the damn opiates, I will do.
That's the most important thing,  above all is not to go back to that point in my life. I know that relapses are a part of recovery for some people. Hopefully just not for me.

So far ,So good.

Its been almost 14 months. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. I can almost taste those last few pills I took.
Other days, it feels like a million years ago, and a million miles away.

At any rate, its a week away from being 14 months ago.
And Ive held my job for a year, THAT is a miracle in itself. AND my boss even likes me I think, I never thought I'd be in that situation again.

Thank you for your thoughts, encouragement and support!!!!!
Theres no way I would have been able to come this far without a lot of those three things!!!

I hope everyone enjoys their weekend..................................................................




This one's an Oldie, but a GOODIE, its one of my favorite pictures of my Sam - man !!!!

and that's mike's ugly foot, HA HA HA, not mine!!!!

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