Saturday, June 30, 2012

new smile + new home + job = new life???

First things first,,,,
my dentist appointment friday morning,,,,
I did NOT do the sedation this time. I felt like I had a hangover or something when I did it before, and I just thought since it was only five teeth this time, it'd be 'ok'
Well, I brought my MP3 player, and that proved to be my saving grace!!!
I had the thing so loud, the dentist was humming along to the songs!! Lets face it, it IS the sounds that you hear of your teeth coming out that are the worst, and I think when they are FRONT teeth, it makes that even worse.
BUT, I will say he was SUPER fast, and it only took a few mins, because it only took a song and a half, to get them out!!! (whew)
I did feel the backpart of the stitches, it didnt feel awesome, I'll say that. but that was over relatively quickly also.
Now, leaving that office with teeth in my mouth, I had lots of different emotions, but I did like the way I looked in the mirror.
Grandma, cried when she saw me walking from the chair, out in to the waiting room.
She said "theres my beautiful girl"
It was an unforgettable moment.

I go back in for "adjustments" monday morning at 7am, so I dont have to miss any work. They seem to be fitting really well though. the bottom partial, fits perfect, but probably because all the teeth that were coming out were pulled months ago.
So, the top, I have some 'room' where my teeth were pulled, but it doesnt feel loose. and they havent 'come out' at all, not even when I was sleeping.
Dr. Jeff, told me to take them out sometime today, and clean them up, rinse with saltwater and all that.
I was anxious about that. But I did it just a lil while ago.
I locked myself in the bathroom first!!!!
then took out the top plate and cleaned it all up, rinsed with salt water, and put'm back in.
I will say this.
IT WAS SHOCKING to see myself, with NO teeth up there. JUST WIERD, and sad, and I dont know. shocking. . . .
I do have stitches, holding everything together. Even though I prepared myself that I was going to look in the mirror soon, and not have any teeth on the top, it was still an absolute shock to the system for some reason???
Im handling it though.
I think Im doing okay with talking , Im definitely sounding better than yesterday when I first left the dentist office!!!

I'm sure there will be more 'bridges' to cross in this journey, so I'll fill ya in, as they come. Im hopeing that my soreness doesnt get worse over the next few days like it did with the top molars, the dentist said it shouldnt becuase these teeth were 'single roots'
If this is as bad as it will get, than its no big deal. I was in ALOT of pain, when the top molars got pulled, but they didnt START to hurt for three days I think.

SO, on another front, we are FINALLY moving out of this apartment..........YESSSSSSSSS
we moved in here, may of 2007.
so yes, I have alot of 'memories' that are hard to get rid of, here. Thankfully, most of the people I was 'friends' with here two years ago, have moved out. But the fact remains, that this place can be a 'trigger' at some times.
The problem was, it was the most affordable thing we had, and even after looking around, was all we could really do.
Well, since I been giving grandma roughly half of my take home pay, you know to pay for my dental work (one) and because no recovering drug addict needs to carry that much cash, she thought we should look into buying a trailer, at a one of the parks in warrenton. There were about 5 for sale a few weeks ago.
We negotiated, and negotiated, and some more, and filled out the application for the park, (manager) and went with the best deal we could get!!!!
I think we got a screaming deal, for a 67' trailer. It comes with all the appliances, even a DISHWASHER!! We've never had one, unless you count Mike, hes the dishwasher in our house!! ha ha ha
So, the people we bought it from will be moved out by tuesday next week, and I have wed/thurs off for the fourth of July!!!!
We need to paint, and clean, make sure they remove everything, or take what they leave away. So we can 'start fresh'
Im so excited to move outta this place!!
Sam will have a yard to play in, and a place to ride his bike, I imagine more than one kid to play with like he does now!!! So Im super excited for him, too.
We'll be so much closer to everything, saving so much on gas its not even funny!! I go thru a lil more than two tanks of gas every two weeks, (150 bucks) pretty much just driving to work and back. AND lets not forget, we'll only be a couple miles from grandma, instead of 14 miles!!
My mom only lives about 6 blocks away, too.
I know Im going to have to be alot more strict on my budget, unless,,,, I get this job monday that I have an interview for!!!
Im not getting my hopes up, I might get it, I might not, if I dont I will just keep looking. Lately, ive just been telling myself if something doesnt work out, it wasnt MEANT TO BE.
So thats how Im looking at it.
If I do get hired, it will be for about the same money I was making working on the Trendwest project, and that would be GREAT.
Mike is still looking for something part time, or good paying full time, and with us moving to warrenton, on the bus route, that just opens so much more opportunity for HIM as well. Plus, theres alot of places he and sam can walk to, which is NOT an option out here in the 'country'

LOTS of changes in my life this last week, and maybe monday!!! (fingers crossed guys)
When just a week or so ago, I felt nothing but overwhelmed, and like I was banging my head agianst a wall, almost ready to 'give in'
OH, Im so glad I didnt!!!!!!!
It just proves, that things DO get BETTER, eventually. Its NOT easy, but I dont think its sopposed to be right?? If it were easy to 'turn it all around" then itd be too easy to walk away agian, or give in to temptation. You would think," oh its not hard to get all together agian."

I catch myself still trying to hide my teeth with my lips and when I smile, but I NEED to learn, its OKAY to let'm show!!!!!!
Kinda funny, after taught myself kinda like 'auto pilot' to NEVER or almost never, let them be seen!!!

its a learning experience.....................
and thanks SO much to all of you that support me and follow me, I really couldnt be here, without it!!!!!!

                                            BEFORE,,,, mike took this pic at the beach, and made me laugh!!
                                            then says, you needed a good 'before' pic anyways!!
                                        this is RIGHT after I got home, so there will be better
                                                  ones coming REALLY soon!!!

Sunday, June 24, 2012

one of the worst days ever, is in the books

Well, last friday ended up being one of the hardest days Ive had off drugs, so far.........

first of all,
The big condo job Ive been working on is over, so my boss decides that Im going to lose two dollars an hour, not to mention I wont be making the bonuses any more either. Ive tried to reason with him, and just go down ONE dollar an hour, still no bonuses of course, but he'll have no part of it. So, thats that. Last weekend, meaning a week ago, when I worked on saturday, I installed two storm doors on an ocean front home. Well, the homeowners had done almost all the work and among other issues, no part of the door trim was flush or square, or anything! It was almost TWO inches different from just one side to the other actually. I did the job, but I went too fast, I didnt want to be there until dark basically re framing the entire door, so I did what I could. I asked the lady if she was happy when I was finished, also pointing out how bad the doors were to begin with. She seemed fine, but called the boss two hours later really pissed, saying she was highly unhappy.
wait, it gets better.......
Now she's NOT paying, until she has a contractor come tell her , I dont know, whatever she wants to hear apparently. and she wont let me back on the property to try and fix it. So what the hell am I supposed to do?
So you see, all this makes my boss REAL stressed out when I go to install an entry door friday. he tells me to take my time, and BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Like I dont know what Im doing.
So, of course Im doing a good job on the entry door. He keeps saying he wants it to look PERFECT. Im serious, over and over and over he says this.
so he shows up at the job on friday, about 3pm. I had the jamb completely flush to the inside and outside walls (so itd look PERFECT) and so the top of the door was out just like an 8th of an inch. he tells me how wrong that is, I point out then the jamb wont be flush with the wall!!!! he say the door lining up the rest of that 8th inch is MORE important. remember, he told me ALL day, how concerned he was and wants it perfect!!!!????
and then of course he gives me a bunch more instructions, like he wants me to route this  board that goes under the sill. WTF?????
I know at this point Im not getting off work by 5, or even 6, maybe not even 7 !!!!!
and I had started around 7 am.
I hadnt taken lunch either, because I finished at the condos in the morning and wanted to get started on the entry door.
So lets mention IM STARVING.
So, after this lil argument, I go back to the shop to get a few boards and rip my trim down.
While there, he gets on my ass agian, about the corner of the boards I ripped down, not being sanded evenly, EVEN though, they are going to be painted, and caulked.
Im completely serious, not exaggerating one bit.
Then he gets pissed cuz I say its not going to show, or matter when its covered up.
he tells me, EVERYTHING MATTERS, just do what I ask.
OKAY, no problem
I continue to work, like always. I pour my fucking soul into this job cuz its the only thing that supports our family.
He acts like he could give a rats ass, that my pay will be roughly half next time I get paid. THAT really hurts my feelings ....... AND, why do I have FEELINGS now???
I never used to!!!!!!
Why do I let that hurt me?
Im thinking these things all while working, past 6, past 630 now, Im STARVING. and now its POURING down rain. so Im getting soaked too!
as I put up the exterior trim, Im thinking,
god, if I got high, Id feel better.
So the battle ensues in my head once again.
Then Im feeling overwhelmed, just want to make enough per hour to get my bills paid, and Im starving, my boss is being an asshole, and I miss my kid so bad I could SCREAM.
I felt tears starting to well up in my eyes.
I thought to myself,
oh boy now your really crossing the line.
DONT do this here. just get this done, and on your way home, you can cry all you want to.

Finally got outta there around 720 PM.
Started home, lit a cigarette, and man it tasted good. Cracked open my warm mt. dew cuz it was in the car all day, and that tastes equally as satisfying.
I stop off at grandmas, she hands me a plate of left over ribs from her dinner, SCORE.
Back in the car, Im eating ribs, like a cave man Im so damn hungry.
Driving along, had cashed my paycheck earlier, and Im thinking I gotta make it count, no more good money coming.
and spits.
and dies.
pull off the side of the road, try to start it agian...............NODDA
I have like a computerized gas gauge, thats been going haywire lately. but theres a red light that ALWAYS comes on when you have about 25 miles til you run out. I know this from my 'glory' days of never having gas money.
Anyways, the RED light, it NEVER came on!!!!
I mean, I for sure woulda got fuel!! I was wanting to get gas in warrenton where its 40 cents less a gallon, if that light woulda came on, I woulda paid whatever I needed to. I didnt want to be walking, in the rain, after working 12+ hours, STRAIGHT no less.
 the tears just pour all over me, I cant help it, cant stop it, cant think about it.
I call grandma.
I just ran outta gas
"oh no, what?"
I just ran outta gas, the light never came on, can you come n get me?
"oh honey, I'll be right there, are you okay?
yes, just hurry please
"okay, stay in the car, eat your food okay. where are you"
a mile up the road, with the flashers on, you cant miss me
"ok, be right there, its okay to cry once in awhile"

But, it was like a release. See, I didnt cry for a long long, time. I cried the day after sam was born, and I cried when my grandfather died, when I confessed to my family I was a drug addict. Thats it, in like 8 years.
So for me to 'cry' over a bad day,
is just, weird.
but I guess it means Im getting 'better'
Im learning to deal with things differently, without using drugs to get thru it.

After grandma brought me fuel, I went and filled up. then picked up sam from my moms house. After we got in the car, he told me he was happy I was home!!!!!
Then saturday morning,
he was REALLY happy.
Makes all the bullshit kinda worth it.

Now, in other news , ,, Mike might be taking a job to drive over the road. Like he'd be gone 3 weeks, then home for 10 days.
I feel good and bad about it. I mean, of course I'll miss him, but he'd only have to do this temporarily and then he could get a  good job here, locally. Its really the best way for him to get his class A cdl, and experience to go with it. Right now he's one class below that. but everyone around here, well, good employers want a class A.
So, I dont know, we'll see how it plays out. Im sure we'd make the best of it, I mean he'd get good money while he did it. Sam would go to preschool/daycare while I worked, and at least he'd be doing something to try and get us onward and upward.
Its just a big decision, that's all.
But, all in all, it probably is, the best one. Good money and really good benefits, like health insurance, I cant really say ISNT a good idea.

Well, that feels like a load off, let me tell ya.
hope you laughed at least at part of it, because I know most of you that read this have probably had at least one shitty day like the one I described!!!!!
We HAVE to laugh at ourselves, to stay sane.

heres a picture of my sam man, with his fireworks!!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

8 days & no more hiding this smile

So, I'm eight days away from this process of getting new teeth, basically being over.
This process, started six months ago.
I was sort of scanning my other posts, and I never really went into what happened that started this process, but I'll sum it up as best I can.

Obviously, when your a drug addict, you don't pay hundreds of dollars to go to the dentist when cavities or a little bit of pain shows up. You just 'medicate' more, right? ha ha ha
Its not like overnight, my teeth were terrible. I think it was just overnight, that the problem got life-threatening.

My teeth haven't been in 'good' shape for years. Id say about 5-6 years ago, I had quite a few cavities, but my front teeth were still in good shape, so I didn't think too much about it. I knew I wasn't going to the dentist, obviously.
When I got pregnant, I was really sick. I was one of the pregnant women that vomited every day , no matter what. I cant imagine, THAT was good for them either. A few of the back ones were already broken by then. And then they just got worse.
By the time my son was a year old, all my molars on the bottom were broken at the gum line, the furthest ones back were starting to get covered with gum tissue they had been broken so long.
It was around then, that the top started failing as well, and the breaking, was sort of migrating towards the front teeth. The day my first eye-tooth broke, I was really depressed.

Its funny, because right about the time I got clean, and went on suboxone, I started getting abscesses.
The first few I just took a round of antibiotics, and they went away. I tried seeing a few different dentists, but they all gave out these HUGE numbers of money needed "before I can do anything" or just tried to get me outta the office ASAP.
Once a student looked inside my mouth, and I swear he turned white as a sheet, and I thought he was gonna pass out.

So like I said, first few infections came and went. Not really any big deal.
Then, in January of this year I got my first "bad one"
The first round of anitbiotics came and went. The swelling, and lets not forget pain, went down, but not away. But the medicine was gone, so I thought all was "ok"
A few days later, it looked like I had a golfball in my cheek. And the pain, holy shit. I don't know how I worked, but I did. I kept a cup with saltwater in it, and rinsed, or kept the saltwater in my mouth almost constantly.
Finally, I got it to go away. And the doctor gave me an antibacterial rinse to use, and I used that religiously, because lets face it, its really hard to brush broken teeth.
I went thru another bad infection like that one, just a month later.
Somewhere in this timeframe, is when my front teeth started to chip, and that REALLY made me feel bad, because up until then, the front ones were the only ones I'd let show. So now, what was I gonna do????

The last one I had, was the worst.
At the point that I saw Dr. Leinessar, I had been taking clindamycian, for TWO WEEKS, and my mouth KEPT SWELLING.
It was a monday, when I made an 'emergency' appt to see him. He was about the only one I hadn't seen in town, and was getting ready to go out of town for care, but thought Id give him a try first.
I called in sick to work,
at this point, I could hardly move, and I was just absolutely miserable. I had a fever, and I knew I was getting ready to die for sure.
He instructed me to DOUBLE the amount of antibiotics, and wanted to know if the swelling didnt go down within another 48 hours.
I had xrays done, a full 180 degree one, at his office.
He showed me how much disease was under what was left of my teeth. It was just, ,,,,,,,,, breath taking.
That morning, he saw me for that emergency appointment, he talked to me for over an hour. Going over different 'treatment' plans and options.
And he didn't even get scared when I told him that I was  a drug addict, in recovery. He actually congratulated me!!
That was in the beginning of March.

I'm nervous, and excited.
I wont ever have to worry about rotten teeth again. Well, I'll still have the five 'anchor' teeth on the bottom, that fit with my partial. But believe me, I'll know when to go see the dentist!!!

I'm so relieved I wont have to try not to laugh at something for fear of my (rotten)teeth showing. I wont have to shop according to what I can chew, or smile with not letting my mouth open.
It takes alot of work you know, to learn to talk and smile half way without showing any teeth.
Now, I'll have to re-learn how to 'let it go'

Im thinking that part will be easy, after my gums are done being sore. Now, I know I'll probably be a little self conscious about it at first too, the dentist said I'll pretty much have to learn to talk again. He said words like chair, share, roof will be hard at first, but to practice when Im alone, and I'll have it in no time at all.
I sure hope so!!!
You know, I'll take the re-learning to speak any day of the week, over the alternative.

This has been quite a process. And it wont be over just with next friday's appointment, because I'll more than likely need a few 'relines' done too. But Dr. Leinessar's office is open until 6 pm two days a week, and at 7am the other two days, so its more that great I can make appointments outside of my work hours. He even decided to take appointments next friday, because he's usually not open that day of the week, but I requested it. The last two times I got teeth pulled I had to take thursday afternoon off and friday. This time around, he's coming in on friday for me.

My son already knows how to floss his teeth! And he wants to brush them almost every time he eats anything!!! Which is just fine with me.
He's seen all the stitches in my mouth two different times now, and I think he could tell it hurt. I told him the entire time thats what happens if you don't take good care of them. Hopefully somebody can learn from this!!

I'm still very nervous!!!!
Hoping they look really good, and feel comfortable, though I'm sure it will take some getting used to. Right now I'm used to mostly gums in there!

Thanks for listening, and cant wait to post pictures of everything.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Test in progress???

First of all, I'm wishing all the dads out there a Happy Father's Day!!!!!
Mikes getting his favorite, breakfast for dinner tonight. And its extra-special because I bought bacon, I never buy it, and I'm even gonna cook it!! Bacon is just really expensive, and not really good for you, AND
when I was pregnant, before I knew it, I made bacon, and the SMELL made me VIOLENTLY ill. I'm not even joking. It was the next day I figured out I was pregnant. And I couldn't STAND the smell, or thought of bacon the ENTIRE pregnancy, or I'd be sick immediately.
And Mike said today, we'll find out if Sam likes bacon, Im like , oh yeah, he's NEVER eaten it!! Its been THAT long since I made any!!!!  LOL

Okay, now that that's outta the way.............
So a few weeks ago I figured out that these two brothers , I used to 'deal with' are around again. Not that they ever 'went anywhere', but one of them works really close to where I work. Ive seen him a few times, he's talked to me and figured out that I'm not up to all that bad shit anymore. The last few times I saw him he didn't really speak to me, or even look at me.
Theres a lil more to this story........
About a month before I got on suboxone, I had a deal sort of go 'bad' with these two. They/he gave me fake/counterfeit money, 500 dollars worth. And I being the dumb ass I was then, went and tried to pay a bill with it. Then the cops got involved. I didn't know it was fake, until that point. The sheriff pressured me and pushed like you couldn't believe. I still wanted to 'collect' the REAL money, so I didnt tell them shit. What an idiot I was to think I was still gonna get paid!! But I digress.........................
So I run into these two yesterday, and I'm getting something for work, I'm pretending to be in a hurry. The one, that works close to me, says, ----------hey do you remember what happened? what did you ever say to the cops?
"well I didnt say much of anything, obviously, cuz you never got in trouble, and you never made it right either, but Im alot better these days and Ive put that shit behind me"
-----Oh, okay.
Im putting my stuff away, from the lumberyard and eating at the same time and I see these two making a "B line" for my car.
They are all the way across the parking lot, and I can see a pill bottle in his hand. YEP, time to flee.
Becuase I know, by NOW, this will not end well.
I throw my shit in the car, and get in, now theyre closer, yea its definitely a pill bottle, and now I can even see pills in it.
(starting the car) "maybe I should just talk to him, maybe he'll give me money" Says the ADDICT half of my brain.
says the OTHER half...
I follow through, but I do wave goodbye.

Now my heads all messed up. Going back and forth, do I turn around, do I find his phone number, no of course not, get your ass back to work, NOW.
But this goes on and on the rest of the afternoon.
I got some really good advice from another former opiate addict once. Who has a totally different take on how to handle cravings. You kind of 'sit' with the craving, and let it happen, thinking every part of it all the way through, good and especially bad.
So Im doing this for the first time. . . .
Then I try to 'center' myself, yes all the while at work, trying to do my job too.

So I get THROUGH that unscathed, and TODAY
I see another ex-friend of mine.
This one I was with just about every day, especially towards the end. I was there when her baby was taken away from her, then even took her to state supervised visits, afterwards. I cant even begin to tell you how many things we did together, that have their own sort of 'bond'
So I was at the grocery store, with my mom and grandma.
grandma wanted to buy sam a new water shoes for this summer. They were in line, and I had to get change.
I see her from a distance, and Im telling myself, youve GOT to be careful right now, because of all the thoughts Ive had in the last 24 hours.
She seems excited to see me, wanted to talk about getting a ride (of course) and even wanted a hug.
I know I came off as really rude, but I just couldn't risk it. And any other day I might have even given her a ride.
But this addiction thing, sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Just  because I have 14 months, and two days off opiates, doesn't mean I cant royally screw it ALL up in one millisecond bad decision.
Some people might be reading this thinking, what the hell is wrong with talking to somebody?
The thing is,
as a drug addict, your always walking at the edge of this cliff.
your 'rock bottom' is down the canyon there, right below you all the time. And lets face it, it took alota hard work to get all the way up here to begin with. Anyways, just talking to that person, brings you one step closer to the edge. And the closer you are, the easier it is, to just 'fall'
and you wont even know what the hell happened, until your down there at the bottom again.

No thanks.
The view from the top is pretty freaking great.

But I still have to be careful. Im just feeling nervous.
And I dont share alot of these thoughts with people close to me, because it makes them nervous I think. And it shouldn't because sharing these thoughts is really what Im supposed to do. It 'unloads' them from my conscious. I cant explain it anymore than that. Its just how it works for me. And being able to write about it here, REALLY helps too. I get to 'play' it all out, when I explain here, and then it makes more sense to me why I had such a hard time with the situation.

Recovery, sobriety, and doing the right thing are not easy. Theres no free ride, and theres NO easy days, or sick days.  Its a challenge, every day to not get high.
But Im doing it.

I worked yesterday, almost all day. So that gave me about 15 hours of OT. When I got home, we went to the beach, to let Sam run amok.
Im so looking forward to next weekend. We are going to go across the river, to Washington and go get some fireworks.
Yes, I get excited about fireworks now. Big ones anyways. And having the MONEY to buy some, is huge.
Last year we were way to broke still to buy any. At the 4th of July last year, I had only been working like 3 weeks.
This year's completely different. Sam was still a bit skiddish to the fireworks too. A neighbor lit some off at new years time just a few months ago, and Sam was ALL over it. So to sum it up,,,,, this year "Its On"

The condo job will be over at the end of this next week, by friday. I may have to go pick up tools and stuff next monday, but basically, its over friday. I think Ive said before its bittersweet. I'll miss the money, but not the stress. The other thing is, this project has really helped me get back on my feet, financially, and its helped me build my confidence up again. So in the future, when I drive by it, or family stays there from out of town, thats what I'll think of.

And I go back to the dentist tomorrow afternoon.
I'm equally excited and nervous about the 'process' of my teeth too. The appointment tomorrow is just for a 'bite ring'
I think they may schedule my last extraction/getting new teeth appointment tomorrow also. If so, I'll more than likely post about it.

Well, thanks for letting me share all of my emotional garbage, I sure feel better now.

The bottom one is from just last night, at the beach.
I forgot to mention up top, the 14th, I hit 14 months, WOO HOO.
cant wait til I post pics on here, of my NEW smile............................
Have a great rest of your Sunday everyone!!

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Learning to live again, or for the first time, maybe

Working definitely has its "advantages"
Being able to pay bills, so the cable/internet stays on, the electricity doesn't get shut off you know THAT sort of thing is important. (don't know if Ive mentioned we didn't have cable TV for three yrs once)

When I first starting working, you know with only a few weeks of clean time, I used to just get overwhelmed, almost immediately when I thought about it. I know, it sounds stupid, but when you haven't done something as simple as pay a utility bill on your own, all by yourself in years, its stressful.
So I used to give my grandma most of my paycheck, and had her "help me" or in other words, pretty much do it. A few months ago, I decided to open a checking account, and try to start taking care of more of these things myself.
Yesterday, I got paid and when I finished paying all the bills for the middle of the month, I had this wierd feeling of 'calmness'
I would say even last month, it was still a source of stress, or general anxiety. But yesterday was different. I'm not sure what I'm getting at, or what I'm trying to say. Other than, this learning to live sober thing, I'm still learning alot about life, and everything I didn't do for so long.

Another thing Ive noticed in just the last few days...........
Social situations, still make me anxious as hell. I'm not sure why, but something so simple as having lunch with the whole construction crew yesterday, was something that just made my stomach turn.
The large condo/resort job Ive been working on, is almost over, so the general contractor was buying everyone lunch at a place just down the block. At first I thought I'd go have free lunch, with everyone else. But then I started to get a stomach ache, when I thought about how many people would be there, how many of them I DON'T know, and a whole mess of other crap that goes along with those thoughts.
Then I told myself, its MY lunch break, and I can do WHATEVER it is that I want to do with it!!!

I hardly ever take a lunch break anyways, since being on this resort job. If I stay on schedule, according to the general contractor, I get bonuses. So as you can imagine, I don't mind working thru lunch to do that. It was just surprising, to admit to myself finnally, that social events (if you could call it that) with people I dont know or I'm unfamiliar with, are definitely a source of stress.
How am I going to deal with that??? I have NO idea.
I know what Im NOT going to do.
These situations never used to bother me when I was loaded, because how can you be stressed out when you've got 200 mg of oxy in your system, or methadone, or whatever else???
The answer cant.
At that point you dont care about much of anything.

Its nice to have this blog to come to and say 'out loud to myself' what Im thinking about or whats stressing me out.
Whatever helps me stay off the damn opiates, I will do.
That's the most important thing,  above all is not to go back to that point in my life. I know that relapses are a part of recovery for some people. Hopefully just not for me.

So far ,So good.

Its been almost 14 months. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday. I can almost taste those last few pills I took.
Other days, it feels like a million years ago, and a million miles away.

At any rate, its a week away from being 14 months ago.
And Ive held my job for a year, THAT is a miracle in itself. AND my boss even likes me I think, I never thought I'd be in that situation again.

Thank you for your thoughts, encouragement and support!!!!!
Theres no way I would have been able to come this far without a lot of those three things!!!

I hope everyone enjoys their weekend..................................................................

This one's an Oldie, but a GOODIE, its one of my favorite pictures of my Sam - man !!!!

and that's mike's ugly foot, HA HA HA, not mine!!!!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

A little about death, teeth, and addiction

Went to the dentist yet again on Thursday.......
Completed the impressions......(Boy that was a super fun appointment)

It was a little challenging getting the impressions done, but it was pretty cool to pick out the 'shade' my NEW teeth will be!!!! It just became more 'real' at that point, I'm not sure. I'm excited and scared, all at the same time. Working thru the emotions of needing dentures at 30 yrs old, the cost of them, and the pain Ive gone through to get to this point, has been exhausting. But I'm doing it, and I'm not getting high, which means Im still doing the right thing.

Im still getting by on less suboxone. Pleasantly surprised that this is possible, all while not really noticing a difference. Im lucky to not have side effects from this medication, like others do. I'm trying to prepare myself for October when my patient assistance program may not get redeemed for another 12 months. Theres just no way I want to pay $500+ a month for medication, if I can get by on less, you know? Even if I couldn't get by on less, the 500 per month is still WAY less than what my addiction cost me, that I know for a fact. So doing some calculations on what I'm taking now, it would only cost about $200 month, which works out to $100 a paycheck, and that is totally acceptable for me. Not having THAT worry is great. I know I stress myself out about things I shouldn't but it seems like I cant really help it. But Ive noticed if I find a solution, at least one, then Im not stressed out about it anymore, at least not nearly as much!!

This weekend, another life was lost here in Clatsop County. And because of the circumstances, another persons life will be forever changed, along with the family members that will miss him while he's "away"
Its a tragedy, no matter how you look at it, or from what angle you view it. I cant imagine the guilt I would feel, if someone were to get hurt or god forbid killed at the hand of me driving under the influence. Im no better than this person, because in a split second, it COULD have been me 14 months ago. Then I would have been the one either going to jail or having funeral arrangements made. These things happen on a daily basis across this country. I can almost feel the hearts breaking in these people's lives. For the family who lost someone permanently, the family who will temporarily lose someone, and that life will never be the same again.
Im so grateful I got out of my addiction before something like this happened to me, and my family.

One thing I had to do in counseling, was imagine my own funeral. Who would be there, and what they would say. Its a hard thing to do. But its powerful.
Death takes many, many addicts way too early. On the other hand, at that point you know they are done suffering, and putting their loved ones through the cycle as well.  I once heard the mother of a drug addict say she was happy when her son would go to jail, because at least she knew where he was and that at least for that day, he wasnt dead. She had completely prepared herself for his death and thought of it as a "relief" at that point. If he was dead, she didnt have to worry any more.
That really hit me.
I had wondered if my family had done the same thing. Did they think I was going to die???
"But I dont want to die"

That's part of what keeps me so scared to go back. If every relapse is increasingly worse, theres not much room left for me. I was already in bad shape from every time I had tried to quit before and was unsuccessful, it just made my addiction THAT much more powerful. It was like feeding the monster, and poking him with a stick.

He's asleep these days. I know he never ever goes away.

I saw an old friend of mine the other day............. This guy I drove to Portland with on many, many occasions. You spend that much time with another person, you are going to know each other pretty well. I said Hi, But I was just ignored.
At first, I was blown away by this. Like, what the hell did I ever do to him??
He cant even say Hi to me??
I thought to myself, "He treated me like a leper"
Then I remembered, I used to do that too.
Like my friend that got me into my treatment program, the first time she told me about suboxone, I wouldn't even look at her.
Maybe I was afraid I was gonna "catch" sobriety.
what a tragedy that would have been. Ha Ha Ha

On the other hand, recovery DOES NOT work if the person isn't ready.
So I'm glad I was ready when I jumped in, with both feet.
There were plenty of times I gave it a 'half ass' try before, but I was the only one that knew about it, therefore the only one to hold myself "accountable"
You know how that worked out, right???

What matters is that I'm here now, and Ive been here for 13 and a half months.

I cant even believe it.
One day at a time, only works on the good days. Most of the time in the early days, it was ONE HOUR at a time, or even ten minutes.
" if I can get through the next ten mins without trying to get dope, maybe I can do this "

I say whatever works for each person, is what their recovery needs to be.

Oh yea,
Ive been at my job almost a  year now. I cant believe THAT either. Last week, I was thinking back to when  the last time was, that I held a job for a year. Which to be absolutely fair, construction jobs are pretty hard to come by long-term as it is, so keep that in mind.
In 2005 I had a job at a glass company, that I worked for just under two years. I started in 2003, and quit in '05, its a little fuzzy but I'm 90% sure about it.
From 2001-2003 I worked for the same union construction company too.
Somewhere around 2004 is when I started taking some kind of pain pill every day. (that's when my grandpa died too, I just put that together) Before that, I would just 'binge'
Functional, I think they call it. That time period was comparable to that of a binge drinker. Id look forward to every weekend, just so I could get fucked up. And that worked, at least for awhile.

After that I had jobs, but they didn't last too long. Some times I got hired just as temporary help anyway, where it wasn't a permanent thing to begin with.
Ive walked off job sites, and quit just because I got the 'phone call' I was waiting for.
Completely ridiculous I know.
And I worked for myself for awhile. That went okay for the most part, somehow I managed to hold it together most of the time. It always felt like I was walking on the razor's edge though. Like any day I was going to be 'found out' and everything would come crashing down.

"addiction is no way to live, but a great way to die"

Sums it up perfectly doesn't it?

I'm still blown away on how fast, things can come together. It took almost ten years for me to ruin everything, the last 4 especially.
But here it is, almost 14 months later, and things are OK.
Sure, things could be better,
but being from where I was to get here, they could be MUCH, much worse.

Today, I'm grateful to be alive, and have a second chance (maybe 8th?)

I don't know whats next on the horizon for me. I'm happy to take life as it comes these days, and never to take it for granted. You never know when life will be taken from you, or your loved ones. So what they say is true,
Live every day as if it were your last.

I hope everyone has a great Sunday, and tells the people closest to them how much they are appreciated.  Thanks for the support