Sunday, May 13, 2012

A great day,,,,

Happy Mother's Day to all the mommys out there.
Its IS the hardest job, you'll ever LOVE........

Me and my lil guy have had QUITE the weekend.....
I had to get some pictures developed for mothers day presents the other day, so while we were at the store, Mike took sam over to look at toys.
He saw something he just COULDNT live without!!!!!
He's wanted a 'big boy' bike for a while now. You know, always telling me he's a big boy, too big for his tricycle. LOL

About the only bike they had his size was...

wait for it........


Yea, I know.Even with some coupons, still around $70.
My paycheck this week was already a day and some short because of getting my teeth pulled.

Then I told myself, you know what??? at least your even at the point to THINK about a purchase like this!!!!
a year and some change ago.....
it wouldnt even have been a second thought. you know???
I never even had FIVE bucks to my name, let alone 50 or so for something like a TOY for my kid!!!!

Anyway, make a long story short....
we went out to dinner with the whole family saturday night for mothers day, becuase my mom had to work today, all day.
My lil brother even showed up which was a surprise (he lives an hour away) and of course lil sam was still talking about the bike at dinner.......

I had said we had about HALF the money, and we were just going to wait. WELL my lil brother LOVES being Sam man's HERO, so he was more than willing to help out..... just awesome if you ask me.

When we got back to the store sam was SOOOOOOOOOO excited to show his uncle this bike, it was like his lil body was having  a seizure!!!
My brother said he'd gladly pay for all of it. I kept trying to talk him out of it, to no avail.
Anyway, we also got a helmet and  a lock to lock it up of course.

I cant even put into words how good it felt. I know I didnt pay for the bike but a year or so ago, THIS or something like it, would have NEVER been possible. Hell, I wouldn't have even made it to dinner.

Some days are still really hard.
Im not gonna lie, thats not what this 'journal' for me is about. Getting high off my ass was fun. I just didnt like the consequences that came with it.
And now realizing, that if I HAD continued, I certainly would have been doing permanent damage to my son.
I wont forget about the things he already did without earlier in his life, but the important part is he wont remember. And Im just so thankful for that.

Thank GOD I got my shit together. Thank GOD  the easy days come when I really really need them.

Group last night was really really good too. We talked about our past, and forgiving yourself. Something I had a really hard time with the first few months. Hell, I still have a hard time with it.
I dont think you are supposed to forget your past though. I think you need to forgive yourself, but you gotta keep the things in your past you never want to repeat sorta close.
If you dont, I think your bound to repeat them.
For me,
I stay scared of my past to a certain degree. Scared that if I pick up ONE pill, it can all come crashing down like a ton of bricks on my head. Theres no middle ground for me. Its ALL or NOTHIN. Thats the way Ive always been.

On another note, Ive lowered my dose of suboxone since getting my teeth pulled. Im on half of what I was. Honestly, I cant even tell the difference. Its fucking amazing.
Maybe one day I'll be able to live without it, but Im not gonna fix what isnt broken.
And since my patient assistance program is 'up' in October, I thought I could sort of 'stockpile' my xtra strips, in case I DONT get approved for another year.
Some days Im definitely more stiff than I'd like to be, but thats about it. No difference mentally, or anything.

Also ,,,,,,
Ive noticed a HUGE difference getting rid of all these rotten teeth. I do have 5 left that have to come out. But, I just feel better overall. I cant even really explain it.  I have more energy, especially in the morning. And I just feel 'healthy' overall.
Its freaking spectacular.

I NEVER , EVER, thought Id be happy WITHOUT pills, or H, or whatever.
I thought it was THE ONLY thing that would EVER make me feel good. But today, I do feel good. wait a minute,

I feel fucking great.

It hasnt been an easy road.
some days have felt like Im pushing a loaded DUMPTRUCK uphill, with all my mistakes loaded up in the back of it. (maybe a double)
and Im on the back, pushin,
and about to slip. . .
but I keep holding on.......

Back to work tomorrow.
Mike cleaned up the house today, I still gotta do laundry though. Im sure he'd do it if I asked, but Im sort of OCD about the laundry, I always have been. You could ask any of my family/friends about that. NOBODY else knows how to do it 'right'
clothes are expensive, damn it!!

Hope everyone has a fantastic day!!!!!!!

Im giving my grandma, and my mom ONE of my sober coins from the very beginning of my treatment, I hope this will mean as much to them as it means to me.
I wanted to 'give' them part of my hard work I guess.......
Its the biggest/hardest thing Ive EVER done. especially those first few months. and I only carry my ONE YEAR and the coin my grandad gave me now, so I thought it'd mean alot.....
we'll see.........

Okay heres a picture

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