Saturday, May 19, 2012

50+ hr work week & cravings still exist

I put in a TON of hours this week. . . . . . . . .
Don't get me wrong, I'm not really complaining. Its very good for me to stay busy, it leaves less time for thinking about getting high.
I know, I know 13 months, and I still think about that shit????

yes, I do.
probably more than I should. However, things have changed slightly. I used to think about it, and miss it.
when I very first started treatment, it was like I mourned the loss of my best friend. My drug loved me, right??
my drug made me feel good, took all the 'bad shit' away.
It was the only thing at that time, that COULD make me 'happy' or at least what I thought was happy. In all reality, it was just not being dope sick.
Getting back on track,
I used to really miss that feeling. anyone that has done it knows what Im talking about. It feels ten times better than the best day you ever had,,, but ALL the time, till you run out that is. Yep that's the catch. So the best advice I was given on this was to make sure every time I thought about it, to 'play the whole tape' and think about everything bad and terrible that comes along with it. You know the lying, the stealing, getting ripped off, being dope sick on the bathroom floor considering suicide just to feel some relief.
I did that.
I thought about the worst feelings Id ever had, coming OFF my best friend, every time using crossed my mind.
Well, I guess I trained my mind, to now AUTOMATICALLY think about all that bad stuff. So when these thoughts of 'catching a nod' come on, NOW I go on auto pilot and think of the worst feelings ever.
So, I see this in two ways. ONE, I'm still thinking about drugs. TWO, I'm definitely NOT romanticizing about it. Its almost like, Im thinking about it and all that terrible shit, as incentive to keep on the right track. So is this bad or good??? I have no idea. But it is working. So Im not gonna fix whats NOT broken, as Ive said before.

I worked so damn much this week that I did not go to my group tonight. Decided to stay home and snuggle with my lil guy. I feel so exhausted, and I miss him so much I just ended up not going. Not the worst thing in the world. I talked to one of my friends from there and just let her know what was up so nobody worried about me. She completely understood and told me not to feel guilty, to give myself 'permission' to relax...........

Today I went and fixed some doors on  a beautiful ocean view home. basically on the side of Neakanie mountain. It was so nice, and the view was breathtaking. This is the kind of work I did many years ago, when I was a functioning addict.
It made me feel so good to be doing this kind of work again. To be trusted in these kind of homes, to be trusted to do this kind of high end work!!!
Im good at what I do, Im not trying to be cocky, its just so nice to finally have some pride again. Being able to stand the site of yourself in the mirror is a great fucking accomplishment these days. Ive come miles from where I was 13 months ago.

Now I gotta make you laugh...................
So I get there to the house at 8am. Wait for the contractor to let me in. He gets there, shows me around, runs me through what needs to be done and says he'll be working up the block on another (multi-million$) home and to call if I need anything.
One of the doors I had to fix, was dragging on the bottom. Whoever installed it had already tried the long screws trick, so I had to take the entire door off. Of course, it has to be an out swing, with the lock hinges that you cant just 'pop the pins' out of, you gotta take the screws outta the door in every hinge to get it loose.
Oh yeah, and its an 8' door, not a standard. And oh yea, its got a full lite ( full glass window) in it, so its HEAVY AS A TRUCK.
But I did it. Im pretty damn tough, didnt you know??
I got the door loose, carried it outside and put it on sawhorses, did what I had to do and got ready to rehang it.
Just as I get the last screw in, the contractor steps through the front door and says
"what'd you eat for breakfast, NAILS?"
Im must've had a dumbass look on my face. I thought he was talking about my teeth. you know cuz im so self conscious about it!!! I thought, oh shit, NOW what do I say to this guy who can clearly see Ive only got a few teeth left. Do I tell him Im going back in at the end of the month to see about new teeth?
Then he says,,,,,,,,
"that door wieghs about 499 pounds, JEEZ "
all of a sudden, Im like OH, thats what hes talking about.

I said, well you know I just took it off and sanded the bottom an eighth inch or so, and re-hung it.
he just smiled,
like he wondered what I reallly did have for breakfast!!!!

He was actually pretty cool, which was good becuase my boss was pretty worried about making him happy. I know he was happy when I left, at least with what I did.

And now I'm gonna have a great paycheck before Memorial Day weekend. All I have to do is think of something great to do with Sam.
I'm so glad theres a  three day weekend around the corner.

Now, WHY do I still think about using???
I know, I know, I'm a drug addict, its perfectly normal. Is it???
Not that I'm going to act on it, like I said its more negative now, than ever. I still feel guilty though, after thinking about it. Which if I could 'flip' a switch and turn that part of my brain off, I totally would!!! wouldn't that be the golden ticket??
I figure out where that switch is, I'd be a billionaire overnight. Theres an idea!!

Seriously though. I'm so glad I'm still on suboxone. Being on suboxone just makes the cravings bare able. If I didnt have that, I know Id be chasing a high every day of the week. The suboxone just makes it 'okay' in my head, to NOT be high. Plus it would block anything/everything anyway, so thats a good deterrent. I mean, Id have to PLAN a relapse, which makes it much more less likely it will happen. It gives me that much more time to 'think it thru' and deviate my plans. And I wont lie, thats happened. I just never got FAR enough in my plan. Something snapped part way through, like WTF are you doing???
And I'm still taking less, thats going really well.  That is NOT part of a master 'relapse' plan, just so you know. Its in case I don't get re-accepted into my patient assistance program. I really hope I do, but if I don't I want to have a 'reserve'.

And my boy got a 'buzz cut'
He somehow got a sucker stuck to his head, I don't know how, I was of course at work. But he's so damn sensitive about his hair every single day of the week, that Mike had a terrible time trying to get it out. He never even lets us wash his hair without a battle on  a regular day, that mike ended up just having to buzz his hair. Yep, bald!!! oh well, it'll grow back.......

WELL, thats about all I got for tonight.
They are replacing the deck next to us, so sam has wanted to 'work like mommy' on it, I had to take pictures. He's stealin my heart here............
just look at that grin in the bottom pic!!!

 THANKS for reading!!!!!

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