Saturday, May 26, 2012

A friend goes to jail, and Im reminded of where I came from

I'm so very glad its the weekend!!!!!

There for a moment, I didn't think it'd ever get here!!!

I left work a lil early on Friday, to go to the DMV. Need to check my 'driving record' or order one I should say, to see if 'insureable' yet for work. Right now, I cant drive any of the work trucks or anything, my record is/was so bad when I first started.
I paid some money to have some sort of evaluation, so now I have to order the printout, to see if it did ANY good. WELL, I get up there Friday, and its CLOSED.
yes, Friday. Even though MONDAY is a holiday, the damn place is closed Friday too. UGGH.
I was fairly heated, to say the least. And Ive already tried to do this over the phone, they wont let me, I have to 'go in and fill outta form'.       NICE

Enough about that.
Today, we all went down to the lil carnival they had going on in seaside. It was really fun. We are still having a problem with sam running. Just 'taking off' yes. I really don't want to 'beat him into submission' if you know what I mean.
So today, I made him wear his backpack from when he was just 2, that has  a leash on it. Boy oh boy was he pissed of.
Then I told him we could just go home, if THIS was how it was going to be!!!!!!!
Well, he straightened up a LITTLE.
All in all, he was okay. But I'm glad he had that leash on. I let him put it in his pocket if he'd hold my hand. That only happened like twice, but maybe he's catching on????
I sure hope so.
AND you should see the people that stare at us!! Between him and his leash, and me wearing this yellow t-shirt that says.....
We get an awful lot of weird looks. But know what??? I could care less. I'd rather him have that leash on than to be under a car, or LOST god forbid.
Im doing the very best I can at being a parent. And in my opinion thats all I really can do.

And for the sober side of my life.........
Had a friend call and ask for a ride from seaside to the probation office yesterday right when I was getting off work. Of course I said yes, because this person had been doing well on the 'sober train' for about 3 months.
Well, as soon as they are in the car, he confides in me that he's relapsed.
He was really torn up about it, I could tell. And I did feel for the guy. I mean this could be me anytime I get too cocky, or think "Ive beat this thing"
He said he needed to go check in and it should only be a few minutes. I told him I had to go to the DMV, but we had a little time.(obviously I didnt know it was CLOSED, lol)
Well, about 5 mins after he shut the car door, a cop car pulled up in the parking lot, and yep they were there for him.
About two minutes later they came walking out, him of course going in the BACK of the car.
I sort of figured he was going, there were NO other cars in the parking lot. He had to have been one of the only people there.   
Every time something like this happens to someone I know, or Ive tried to help, that old song , "another one bites the dust" immediately plays out in my head.
It sucks that this country's only answer for addiction is jail.
I mean, OBVIOUSLY its NOT working, eh???

Its good for me to have a close reminder of where I could be in no time at all if I screw up.
If I screwed up now, with everything Ive done to 'ensure' I dont, things would go downhill with super sonic speed.
Thats why things are the way they are now.
Before, when I tried to quit on my own, and it was still my 'secret' I failed miserably. All that happened was I ended up being worse off than before. Kind of like the smoker that trys to quit when they have a pack a day habit, then ends up with a TWO pack a day habit after they've 'started up agian'
Thats a perfect analogy.

Fear is a good motivator. Ive been detained a couple times, and I was arrested when I was 18 but so far so good.
The few times Ive been up there, I knew it wasn't the place for ME.
Well, its really not a place for any drug addict, in my opinion. But I'm not going to be president any time soon so I'll stay off that soapbox, for now.

My doctor told me the 'sucess rate' for opiate addiction in general, is LESS than 5 percent. Those are not 'good odds'. I'm sure suboxone treatment HAS to bring in up a little. But even with the help of suboxone, its not a fool-proof plan. My buddy that just went to jail was on it too. He is about 5 years younger than me though. He can still 'get it together' I hope.

I dont know what it is about this drug. Or this 'group' of drugs. It is definitely becoming an epidemic though. Reading online the other night, I saw that on average there are 8 deaths a week in Florida due to opiate abuse/overdose/addiction. Eight per week!! thats over ONE a DAY. The stats are about the same in Ohio, it was like 7.6. How do you have 7.6 deaths  a week? Im not sure, but Im guessing it was just the calculated "average"

I'll stay scared, that seems to be working for now. Sometimes I cant even believe I've made it this long. Its STILL scary living WITHOUT drugs. You do that many, for THAT long, and you have to learn everything again. When I was only about 6 weeks clean, and I had just started working, I actually used to drive home, a longer route, so that I didnt have to drive down this one road. I knew, without a doubt, if I did in fact drive down that road, Id have pills or H or something in my pocket in no time.
That takes some stubbornness or  hard-headed thinking.  However you want to look at it. I guess all Im trying to say is, I never thought this was possible. For a long time, I thought at the very most I'd be a drug addict with a job.
Thankfully, I have turned it all around. Now I just have to stay here. The view is spectacular, I must say. There's something to be said for being able to pay your bills.

On a lighter note, it was so much fun hanging out with Sam today!!!!!!
And Ive got some more 'activities' planned for us through the long weekend.  So hopefully I'll get time to do another entry as well.

Thanks for reading, and supporting me. I need all the help I can get, believe that!!!!!

enjoy the pics

Saturday, May 19, 2012

50+ hr work week & cravings still exist

I put in a TON of hours this week. . . . . . . . .
Don't get me wrong, I'm not really complaining. Its very good for me to stay busy, it leaves less time for thinking about getting high.
I know, I know 13 months, and I still think about that shit????

yes, I do.
probably more than I should. However, things have changed slightly. I used to think about it, and miss it.
when I very first started treatment, it was like I mourned the loss of my best friend. My drug loved me, right??
my drug made me feel good, took all the 'bad shit' away.
It was the only thing at that time, that COULD make me 'happy' or at least what I thought was happy. In all reality, it was just not being dope sick.
Getting back on track,
I used to really miss that feeling. anyone that has done it knows what Im talking about. It feels ten times better than the best day you ever had,,, but ALL the time, till you run out that is. Yep that's the catch. So the best advice I was given on this was to make sure every time I thought about it, to 'play the whole tape' and think about everything bad and terrible that comes along with it. You know the lying, the stealing, getting ripped off, being dope sick on the bathroom floor considering suicide just to feel some relief.
I did that.
I thought about the worst feelings Id ever had, coming OFF my best friend, every time using crossed my mind.
Well, I guess I trained my mind, to now AUTOMATICALLY think about all that bad stuff. So when these thoughts of 'catching a nod' come on, NOW I go on auto pilot and think of the worst feelings ever.
So, I see this in two ways. ONE, I'm still thinking about drugs. TWO, I'm definitely NOT romanticizing about it. Its almost like, Im thinking about it and all that terrible shit, as incentive to keep on the right track. So is this bad or good??? I have no idea. But it is working. So Im not gonna fix whats NOT broken, as Ive said before.

I worked so damn much this week that I did not go to my group tonight. Decided to stay home and snuggle with my lil guy. I feel so exhausted, and I miss him so much I just ended up not going. Not the worst thing in the world. I talked to one of my friends from there and just let her know what was up so nobody worried about me. She completely understood and told me not to feel guilty, to give myself 'permission' to relax...........

Today I went and fixed some doors on  a beautiful ocean view home. basically on the side of Neakanie mountain. It was so nice, and the view was breathtaking. This is the kind of work I did many years ago, when I was a functioning addict.
It made me feel so good to be doing this kind of work again. To be trusted in these kind of homes, to be trusted to do this kind of high end work!!!
Im good at what I do, Im not trying to be cocky, its just so nice to finally have some pride again. Being able to stand the site of yourself in the mirror is a great fucking accomplishment these days. Ive come miles from where I was 13 months ago.

Now I gotta make you laugh...................
So I get there to the house at 8am. Wait for the contractor to let me in. He gets there, shows me around, runs me through what needs to be done and says he'll be working up the block on another (multi-million$) home and to call if I need anything.
One of the doors I had to fix, was dragging on the bottom. Whoever installed it had already tried the long screws trick, so I had to take the entire door off. Of course, it has to be an out swing, with the lock hinges that you cant just 'pop the pins' out of, you gotta take the screws outta the door in every hinge to get it loose.
Oh yeah, and its an 8' door, not a standard. And oh yea, its got a full lite ( full glass window) in it, so its HEAVY AS A TRUCK.
But I did it. Im pretty damn tough, didnt you know??
I got the door loose, carried it outside and put it on sawhorses, did what I had to do and got ready to rehang it.
Just as I get the last screw in, the contractor steps through the front door and says
"what'd you eat for breakfast, NAILS?"
Im must've had a dumbass look on my face. I thought he was talking about my teeth. you know cuz im so self conscious about it!!! I thought, oh shit, NOW what do I say to this guy who can clearly see Ive only got a few teeth left. Do I tell him Im going back in at the end of the month to see about new teeth?
Then he says,,,,,,,,
"that door wieghs about 499 pounds, JEEZ "
all of a sudden, Im like OH, thats what hes talking about.

I said, well you know I just took it off and sanded the bottom an eighth inch or so, and re-hung it.
he just smiled,
like he wondered what I reallly did have for breakfast!!!!

He was actually pretty cool, which was good becuase my boss was pretty worried about making him happy. I know he was happy when I left, at least with what I did.

And now I'm gonna have a great paycheck before Memorial Day weekend. All I have to do is think of something great to do with Sam.
I'm so glad theres a  three day weekend around the corner.

Now, WHY do I still think about using???
I know, I know, I'm a drug addict, its perfectly normal. Is it???
Not that I'm going to act on it, like I said its more negative now, than ever. I still feel guilty though, after thinking about it. Which if I could 'flip' a switch and turn that part of my brain off, I totally would!!! wouldn't that be the golden ticket??
I figure out where that switch is, I'd be a billionaire overnight. Theres an idea!!

Seriously though. I'm so glad I'm still on suboxone. Being on suboxone just makes the cravings bare able. If I didnt have that, I know Id be chasing a high every day of the week. The suboxone just makes it 'okay' in my head, to NOT be high. Plus it would block anything/everything anyway, so thats a good deterrent. I mean, Id have to PLAN a relapse, which makes it much more less likely it will happen. It gives me that much more time to 'think it thru' and deviate my plans. And I wont lie, thats happened. I just never got FAR enough in my plan. Something snapped part way through, like WTF are you doing???
And I'm still taking less, thats going really well.  That is NOT part of a master 'relapse' plan, just so you know. Its in case I don't get re-accepted into my patient assistance program. I really hope I do, but if I don't I want to have a 'reserve'.

And my boy got a 'buzz cut'
He somehow got a sucker stuck to his head, I don't know how, I was of course at work. But he's so damn sensitive about his hair every single day of the week, that Mike had a terrible time trying to get it out. He never even lets us wash his hair without a battle on  a regular day, that mike ended up just having to buzz his hair. Yep, bald!!! oh well, it'll grow back.......

WELL, thats about all I got for tonight.
They are replacing the deck next to us, so sam has wanted to 'work like mommy' on it, I had to take pictures. He's stealin my heart here............
just look at that grin in the bottom pic!!!

 THANKS for reading!!!!!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

A great day,,,,

Happy Mother's Day to all the mommys out there.
Its IS the hardest job, you'll ever LOVE........

Me and my lil guy have had QUITE the weekend.....
I had to get some pictures developed for mothers day presents the other day, so while we were at the store, Mike took sam over to look at toys.
He saw something he just COULDNT live without!!!!!
He's wanted a 'big boy' bike for a while now. You know, always telling me he's a big boy, too big for his tricycle. LOL

About the only bike they had his size was...

wait for it........


Yea, I know.Even with some coupons, still around $70.
My paycheck this week was already a day and some short because of getting my teeth pulled.

Then I told myself, you know what??? at least your even at the point to THINK about a purchase like this!!!!
a year and some change ago.....
it wouldnt even have been a second thought. you know???
I never even had FIVE bucks to my name, let alone 50 or so for something like a TOY for my kid!!!!

Anyway, make a long story short....
we went out to dinner with the whole family saturday night for mothers day, becuase my mom had to work today, all day.
My lil brother even showed up which was a surprise (he lives an hour away) and of course lil sam was still talking about the bike at dinner.......

I had said we had about HALF the money, and we were just going to wait. WELL my lil brother LOVES being Sam man's HERO, so he was more than willing to help out..... just awesome if you ask me.

When we got back to the store sam was SOOOOOOOOOO excited to show his uncle this bike, it was like his lil body was having  a seizure!!!
My brother said he'd gladly pay for all of it. I kept trying to talk him out of it, to no avail.
Anyway, we also got a helmet and  a lock to lock it up of course.

I cant even put into words how good it felt. I know I didnt pay for the bike but a year or so ago, THIS or something like it, would have NEVER been possible. Hell, I wouldn't have even made it to dinner.

Some days are still really hard.
Im not gonna lie, thats not what this 'journal' for me is about. Getting high off my ass was fun. I just didnt like the consequences that came with it.
And now realizing, that if I HAD continued, I certainly would have been doing permanent damage to my son.
I wont forget about the things he already did without earlier in his life, but the important part is he wont remember. And Im just so thankful for that.

Thank GOD I got my shit together. Thank GOD  the easy days come when I really really need them.

Group last night was really really good too. We talked about our past, and forgiving yourself. Something I had a really hard time with the first few months. Hell, I still have a hard time with it.
I dont think you are supposed to forget your past though. I think you need to forgive yourself, but you gotta keep the things in your past you never want to repeat sorta close.
If you dont, I think your bound to repeat them.
For me,
I stay scared of my past to a certain degree. Scared that if I pick up ONE pill, it can all come crashing down like a ton of bricks on my head. Theres no middle ground for me. Its ALL or NOTHIN. Thats the way Ive always been.

On another note, Ive lowered my dose of suboxone since getting my teeth pulled. Im on half of what I was. Honestly, I cant even tell the difference. Its fucking amazing.
Maybe one day I'll be able to live without it, but Im not gonna fix what isnt broken.
And since my patient assistance program is 'up' in October, I thought I could sort of 'stockpile' my xtra strips, in case I DONT get approved for another year.
Some days Im definitely more stiff than I'd like to be, but thats about it. No difference mentally, or anything.

Also ,,,,,,
Ive noticed a HUGE difference getting rid of all these rotten teeth. I do have 5 left that have to come out. But, I just feel better overall. I cant even really explain it.  I have more energy, especially in the morning. And I just feel 'healthy' overall.
Its freaking spectacular.

I NEVER , EVER, thought Id be happy WITHOUT pills, or H, or whatever.
I thought it was THE ONLY thing that would EVER make me feel good. But today, I do feel good. wait a minute,

I feel fucking great.

It hasnt been an easy road.
some days have felt like Im pushing a loaded DUMPTRUCK uphill, with all my mistakes loaded up in the back of it. (maybe a double)
and Im on the back, pushin,
and about to slip. . .
but I keep holding on.......

Back to work tomorrow.
Mike cleaned up the house today, I still gotta do laundry though. Im sure he'd do it if I asked, but Im sort of OCD about the laundry, I always have been. You could ask any of my family/friends about that. NOBODY else knows how to do it 'right'
clothes are expensive, damn it!!

Hope everyone has a fantastic day!!!!!!!

Im giving my grandma, and my mom ONE of my sober coins from the very beginning of my treatment, I hope this will mean as much to them as it means to me.
I wanted to 'give' them part of my hard work I guess.......
Its the biggest/hardest thing Ive EVER done. especially those first few months. and I only carry my ONE YEAR and the coin my grandad gave me now, so I thought it'd mean alot.....
we'll see.........

Okay heres a picture

Sunday, May 6, 2012

One ROUGH week!! (and a funny story)

My title says it all........
I truly believe, that this last week was a true test of my sobriety/recovery.

Just like my last post says, NOT having the ability to medicate, EVEN when you feel "entitled" too, is pretty damn hard.

But you know what???
Now, Im that much stronger. Now, on a regular lets say somewhat 'challenging' day, I can look back and be like,,,,
this is NOTHING compared to when I had those teeth pulled and got sick right after!!!

My gums truly hurt for a week straight. Even with taking the ibprofen and tylenol every 4 hours, on the dot. The first two days was really easy, and I thought I had it "whipped"
Last time,  the first two days was definitely the worst.

I even called the dentist a few days ago, because I was truly ready to FREAK OUT. its not that  it intensely hurt for a week straight, its that it REALY hurt for a week straight, and it just DIDNT go away!!
Anyways, after a 20min talk with him, I was relieved a little to know that it WAS going to EVENTUALLY get better. He did offer pain meds, but I refused. I mightve thought about using something for pain if I wasn't already in the mindset that I really wanted to escape reality already for the last 5 days. I really didn't think I was in a good enough place to take home a bottle of painkillers.

I did end up using a lil more of my suboxone than normal, but I know its okay, because Ive discussed this with my doctor before. It certainly doesnt do anything for my head, meaning like a 'high' or anything, but in the middle of the night, when the motrin has worn off and your waiting for it to 'kick in' an xtra strip of suboxone numbs the gums, at least long enough to let the motrin do its job. When your in that much pain, you'll do whatever it takes!!

Back to work on Monday.........
this big Trendwest job that Ive been working on is on the downhill slope. Im not sure whats next for me. There is work at the shop of course, but its for about 20% less pay. Im not gonna make any drastic decision, Im just taking "life" as it comes these days. And I know, at least for around here, STEADY money is much better than LOTS of it, for a SHORT amount of time. . . . . . .

I was finally ready to start eating yesterday. . . More than just soups anyways. I hadn't even been able to really eat more than a cup or so of ANYTHING up until yesterday. I would just be in so much pain by the time I had eaten a bit.
Mike looked at me like I was nuts last night, I had a plate full of steamed carrots with butter, and broccoli too, then a piece of chicken. It was SOOOOOO yummy.
And I felt so much better afterwards.

Stitches come out THURSDAY

I gotta share this 'story' about my son too.......
He loves to watch "Imagination Movers" on the Disney Channel. some of you may know what Im talking about, but its a kids show with four guys that have somewhat of a band and an "idea warehouse"
Well, he always wants to watch it on the ON DEMAND with the cable. I had been looking ALL OVER the place for  a dvd for him to watch in HIS room. I finally find one on amazon for just a couple bucks, and was SO stoked.
It came in the mail last week, and I brought it home, he was SOOOOO happy to open it, SOOO excited to watch it after he ate his dinner!!!

after he eats dinner, we let'm go in his room and watch it, you could hear him dancing, and singing and all that. well,,,, a lil while later, he comes outta his room ,,, with his hand on his head, walks up to me and says,

Im like what the hell???
he says, "mama, I poop."
I said, you pooped in your underwear?
hes just looking at me.
hes walking ever so slowly to the potty, clinching his cheeks.

I walk in his room to turn off the dvd.

WHAT DO I STEP IN???? guessed it!!!
why did you do that????
all Im getting is a blank stare........

He says DADDY, You need to go clean up the POO POO

Mike was like, no YOUR gonna clean it up!!!

I sent him to time out, because he has been dry at night now for over two weeks, and he has only had like one other accident in the last TWO MONTHS.
he KNEW EXACTLY what he was doing!!!

and what a mess by the way!!
Oh well.....
he had a three minute time out, and NO treats that night. Been doing good ever since of course.

That's why God made your kids so CUTE,,, so you don't choke'm out!!!!
Just kidding,
They DO try your patience though......I know Sam is my mothers "payback" for me, I'm SO convinced.

Hope everyone has a great day.....enjoy this beautiful Sunday

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Being Sick, and no "self medicating"

So of course, my gums are still sore. Well, thats an understatement, but not what I want this post to be about.
The only other time Ive been sick since I got clean is when I had that horrible abscess in my lower jaw, just before my teeth got pulled on the bottom. It was so infected, that being on antibiotics for a straight week, hadn't done any good, and it just kept swelling. Finally got into the dentist, got stronger antibiotics, and within another 5 days I was feeling better. By the time that 5 days was up though, I had a fever, and lost a day at work because I had absolutely no energy, and just felt shitty all the way around.

This is much different. I thought this was just allergies the other day. Maybe I was being hope full.

Here's the thing, when you've been your own doctor/pharmacist for YEARS, its really freaking hard to just be sick and "deal with it"
NOT to mention, the major holes in my mouth. There is stitches, but I can still feel the 'flaps' of skin move around when I try to blow my nose (ever so gently), cough, sneeze or WHATEVER.
It completely SUCKS.

Yesterday, I had all this sinus pressure, and that was really painful. Im already taking the maximum amount of tylenol and Motrin a person can take, because of my teeth getting pulled. I went to the store and bought some crap that was SUPPOSED to relieve sinus pressure, but it was a complete waste of money. It said you only needed to take one, and after I waited 45min, I took #2. Still no relief, so I took one more, and when that didn't work I came to the conclusion it just wasnt going to.

Then I remembered that you have to have a prescription now, for sudafed. Even though, anybody who wants to cook methamphetamine, does, and probably gets it off the Internet!!!
If I wasnt so freaking sick, Id drive across the river to Washington and see if I could find a box!!!!

Mental note though, next time we're outta town, thats definitely what Im doing. Hopefully you don't need an Rx in Washington state now. I have no idea though.

Back to my point, a year or so ago, if I had a cold/flu/allergies (any excuse really) I'd take enough dillaud, morphine, oxy or whatever I could find to tranquilize a horse, and get 'through it."

Obviously that isn't the case today. Although, I did think about it.
I know where that road leads, so Im not going down it today.

Right now, Im just hopeful for a very FAST recovery, both with my gums feeling better and now with this cold or whatever it is. Instead of it being all sinus pressure and congestion in my head like it was yesterday, today its moved into my throat and chest.

My mouth seems to feel better today, but I don't know if its because being sick is just a huge distraction.

Well I had to unload my bad thoughts. I was definitely missing being able to self medicate today. But I know this too, will pass.
And when its over, I'll be that much stronger, for getting thru it, without getting high, relapsing, or selling my soul to the devil himself once again.

To be continued..........................