Sunday, April 1, 2012

this weekends bout over, Easter's next

Well, my weekend is coming to an end.....
Its okay though, theres another one soon on the way..........

It makes me think of last year, at Easter weekend........The easter egg hunt, with my son. I was having a case of the 'sweats' of course, but other than that I felt pretty good. I was still 'getting used' to NOT having to lie, cheat and steal every second of every day. If memory serves me correctly I was on sub about a week, maybe ten days on easter last year.
It was almost difficult, getting used to the 'calm'

This year, will be completely different.....
Of course I still have my challenges, almost daily.
Id be lying right out my ass if I said I never think about 'going back'
Think about it, people give up everything theyve ever had and MORE, just to get high, theres gotta be some kinda payoff, right????
Well, there is. But a helpfull 'tool' ive learned, is to "play the whole tape"
You know, when you think of jumping off the wagon, you gotta sorta fast forward thru all the 'fun' part, if you can even call it that, and go right to the end, when your stuck there, ALL alone, with nothing, and nobody but your own sick self.......THAT my friend, is no place to be.
This little tool, has helped me quite a bit lately......
Becuase in the end, I wasnt even really getting high anymore. I was only trying to NOT be dopesick......which is a full time job, all on its own...

Thankfully, all those days are over. And writing it down, sure as hell helps me to 'stay close' as to WHY its important to do something for my recovery every day.....
I always tell other people, if your not doing something for your recovery every day, you might as well be getting closer to a relapse. And thats no bullshit.

if you ask someone who HAS relapsed, "how did it happen" the normal answer is "I dont know, it just HAPPENED"
Becuase thats how close it is, all the time.
your addiction, I dont care WHAT its to, hides in the back of your brain, and comes out to 'eat' at the most oportunistic (or NOT) moments........when IT thinks it has the BEST chance at winning. so there it is, just patiently waiting, day after day after day.........

You know, I guess I thought I'd be 'normal' by the time a year was drawing near. Maybe I thought I'd forget all about it, and it wouldnt even cross my mind.
Boy was I ever wrong.......
dont misread me, its definitely not as hard as it was on Day 2 or 5.......but its still no day of sunshine......
Maybe thats good for me, becuase it serves as a constant reminder.

I dont have all the answers......But I am gonna stick with what has been working thus far....

the biggest thought in my mind lately has been ,,,,,,
I dont want to screw up now, becuase Ive come so far. And let me tell you, its been a hell of a road. I didnt even feel like I had gotten ANYwhere, until about 4 months ago. things finally started getting just a LITTLE easier. Like, just enough for me to think "this is starting to pay off"
bout damn time!!!!
But on the other hand, I did send ONE HELL of a SHIT TORNADO thru my life, and every single thing in it.....
that is seriously how I 'invision' my addiction....
this horrible, 2 mile wide tornado, sucking all my money, posessions, family relationships, marriage, (you get the idea) right up into the funnel cloud, and leaving a PATH of destruction. That too, is a good reminder.
Ive spent 11 and a half months, walking in the path of destruction, picking up the bits and pieces left behind.
All the while, trying to 'glue' together the pieces, to form some sort of "life" worth living, once agian...............
some days, it works, and well.
Other days, there just isnt enough glue........

Im glad I started this. It will be good to look back at once in awhile also.....
"Rock Bottom became the solid foundation of which I rebuilt my life"
Thanks for letting me share

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