Saturday, April 14, 2012

ONE YEAR, today

one year,
12 months,
52 weeks,
365 days,
8 765.81277 hours
525 948.766 minutes
and as of this moment, ive had 3657188  sober HEARTBEATS

It hasn't been easy.
But it's definitely been worth it.
Ive never appreciated the 'little things' in life, as much as I do today.....
I think, you can be as happy as you want to be, and that beauty, truely IS in the eye the beholder.

When you've had absolutely nothing, lost everything, including your morals, I think you can see past many 'flaws' and truely take in precious moments of your life.

Someone looking in from the outside on my life today, probably wouldnt see very much.
But I guarantee, its LOADS more than I had one year ago.

Some things have gotten easier. In the beginning, it was really hard, to stay away from getting high, believe me.
But now, getting high doesnt quite have the 'lust' for me it once did. YES, there are times, more than I'd like to admit, that I still long for that rush.
But I can honestly say that at least 2 outta 5 times it happens, the thought kind of breezes right thru my head, and straight back out.
I think to myself, Nah, Its too much work.
And it may be terrible to say, but watching some people fall back down into that deep dark pit of despair, helps too.
At least someones gaining, from thier loss right?? Ive seen alot of people come and go from the 'sober train' in a year, let me tell ya.
And when they fall, it doesnt take very long, and everythings just as bad for them, if not worse when they said "that's enough" the time before.
This isnt my first attempt at recovery either.
I do remember every time, I tried quiting before, I was worse with drugs when I went back. I had this 'fuck it' kind of attitude, like if Im gonna be a drug addict, I might as well be a good one. Or maybe it was the need I felt, not to feel anything at all, agian. Because I had lived a few days or a week sober, and had a bunch of emotional baggage surface. And I just had to bury it again, this time deeper.
Then when things were REALLY getting bad, I tried a methadone program. There were moments, of sanity, that I did do well. I was able to follow instructions occasionally, and take my prescription as instructed. BUT for me, it was just too easy to abuse it. I can honestly say I abused it way more than it helped me. Maybe it helped me by not using a 'cocktail' of drugs, because I was just taking one. But, you can always take more methadone, and get the 'nod'.
Ive never had that with suboxone.
I took extra suboxone a few times, when my mouth was absessed so badly I couldnt feel my face, and when I had 10 teeth extracted.
And, honestly, I felt NO different than if I just took my prescribed dose. I remember talking to my doctor about this, and he was just listening, acting like he knew this all along. Im sure he did, and that I wasnt his first experience with this issue.
He says thats why suboxone, is a 'better match' for replacement therapy. Theres a 'ceiling level' and theres no risk of overdose, becuase its not a true opiate. All it does is 'trick' the opiate receptors. You know, the part of my brain, that makes EVERYthing hurt, even my hair, when I dont have opiates.
I know, for a fact, that I would not have made it this far with out suboxone. And maybe someday I will, truly be ready to come off it. I hope so, but right now I'm still completely scared of going back into that deep dark pit.
ANYwhere is better than that, so the suboxone train is just fine with me.

Im getting nervous about my teeth getting pulled agian. I mean, I know Im going to be just fine. But this battle goes on in my head sometimes, about using opiates agian for pain.
My doctor says he thinks it'd be just fine, because theres a high level of naloxone (narcan) in my system already, and it would block all 'euphoric' effects of anything I take.
and who could blame me for taking something for pain after having ten molars pulled, right??

so its like this 'free pass' to use........
I mean, of course its not using, if you "take it as directed, and just for pain"
this just becomes TOO much of a fine line for me.
I'm in pain every day. I wake up every morning with a sore back. I can hardly walk when I first get up.
I sit in the recliner for a few mins at like 430 am, take some motrin, and after an hour I stretch, and it finaly feels better,, I can get ready for work.
So my thing is, if its "okay" to take whatever for pain with my teeth, wouldnt it be just fine to take it for my back?????
Oh yea, Im an addict. Already tried that, and it doesnt work out too well with me.

See the dilema??
So, Im just gonna 'wing it'
The last time the dentist gave me a type of benzo, that doesnt affect my suboxone. it helped me relax enough to get my teeth pulled, and  I used that to help me sleep as well. Im just gonna for that plan again.  The dentist said one of those pills is out of your system in about 8 hours, so thats why he uses it. (half life is 6-8 hrs) and thats why its "non habit forming"
Im convinced ANYTHING can be habit forming, for me!!!
I was still, completely awake for my procedure, had my Mp3 player with me, to drown out all the horrible sounds!!
It was still a long two hours.

Oh well, the day's coming closer all the time.

Happy one year birthday to me today.

Im going to play with my kiddo, and have an awesome weekend, in general. I really hope you all do the same.

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