Friday, April 20, 2012

My "Fuck you" letter to addiction

 In group therapy, we were asked to write a "fuck you" letter to our addiction. 
Here's mine

When I first met you, I thought you were everything I ever wanted. 
You made me confident, energetic, and absolutely happy. The way
I thought "normal" people felt.
As time went on, 
I got less confident, had no energy and was anything but happy. I hardly
ever saw anyone but you, and I didn't do anything with my time that 
wasn't centered around you.

You stole everything I ever had. No, it didn't happen overnight. It was
actually much more painful to watch everything disappear in this horrible 
slow-motion roller coaster ride that I couldn't control.
You made breathing, impossible without you.

So I'm saying Fuck you, forever.
I've taken my life back, WITHOUT you.
I wont ever beg for you again. Because I know, it may feel good for
a bit, but I'm just too tired to fight to keep you alive, even for a day.

I fought for years and years to keep you. I hid in a corner from everything, 
and everyone, with you. When I was sick, I thought you were all I needed.
For awhile that was the case. But all you did, was make me sick once again.
My bones would ache for you, my skin burned for you and my mind came
up with whatever I needed to do to get ahold of you once again.
I even quit you a time or two before, but you always were able to suck me 
back in again. You hide in the corner silently, waiting for me to be weak, 
lonely, afraid or anxious, and you attack. You are always there, waiting
for the moment you think I'll give in. 
But every day, I leave you a little further behind.

I'm stronger than Ive ever been. 
You had beat me down into nothing. I didn't think Id ever have a chance,
but I started a war with you anyway.
It started as just a mere battle, but wining that one tiny battle, put enough
wind behind my back, to push on. If even for only an hour at a time.

So Fuck you,
I've come so far without you, and its going to stay that way.
Fuck you and everything you stole from me.
Its taken me a whole year,
but I've got my dignity back, 
and even a little confidence.

I'm telling everyone about you, too.
That's what you loved the most, was to be my secret. So you could manipulate
me, and terrorize me while nobody watched. That way, I had no one but you,
for comfort anymore.

Well, fuck you, cuz your not my dirty secret anymore.

I can finally look at myself in the mirror again, and not feel ashamed. When I look 
into my son's eyes, I dont feel like a piece of shit anymore.
I stand taller, and walk with my head held high.
These are all things that were impossible while I held you on my shoulders.

Everyday, I get stronger. I know your still there, hiding, waiting & watching.
That only teaches me to never let my guard down. 

Fuck you, cuz I'm gonna win this time.

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