Tuesday, April 17, 2012

the little things

Its the little things nowadays..........
that keep me clean. The things that never even crossed my mind while hunting down my next high or doing whatever I had to, to get it.
Theres a few songs, that have really struck a chord with me, since I started this journey of recovery. And one of them is..................


I've been lost in the darkness for so long
I can't see the light
I've been strung out, burned, left out, and hung out to dry.
So I say to myself that I wanna get better
Hidin' from the truth, I can't last forever
Jesus help me
Obviously, I can't help myself
I've got nobody else
Send me an Angel
Someone to strangle
That ol' demon that's haunting me there on the shelf
I can't help myself.
My excuses are so old and tired, hell I forgot 'em
I keep fallin' and crawlin' and drownin' down here on the bottom
Yeah I pushed back my brothers said good-bye to my friends
When you get in this deep the hell never ends
Give me a reason to live; show me a sign
I'm on the edge; goin' out of my mind
I'm down on my knees; I'm beggin' you please make me somebody else
I can't help myself
I need something stronger, pour it all over me
Send me an Angel
Someone to strangle that ol' demon
'Cause you know that I never will
I can't help myself


Lord, I can't help myself

I never considered myself to be very religious, but more spiritual I guess. Im still kinda trying to figure it all out. But one thing I absolutely believe, with all of my heart is that my son was sent to me, to help me be a better person.
A good person has always been there, but I lost her for awhile. I was raised to be a descent human being, I know I was.
But addiction, steals everything from you in this sort of slow motion process. You begin to lose your 'moral compass'
at first, you may lie to hide your addiction from others, or lie to the doctor for instance. Then lets say for instance, you spend all your family's money for groceries on drugs, so you steal some groceries, cuz hey you gotta eat right???
See, how it just whirls outta control??
and pretty soon, NOTHING, is 'over the line'
whereas before, before you were a junkie, ANY of it would have been unthinkable.
then, you try and 'clean up'
and you feel this enormous weight of guilt and shame, for everything you've done.
thats where that glue comes in handy, that Ive talked about before. You just gotta pick up the pieces, and TRY to make it better.
(sometimes it works, and sometimes there's not enough glue).

It took about three months of weekly therapy sessions, for me to accept myself, and my mistakes. To understand, IM not a bad person, Ive just MADE bad decisions.

Maybe thats why its easier, to say No, sometimes?
because it took me so long to be okay with all the shit I already did??
Those times that it is easy to dismiss the thought of using again, I envision that big 'ol shit tornado Ive talked about and Im like NO Freaking way!!
Other times, like when Im stressed out, or feel lonely,,,, Its definitely harder.
I still think about drugs every day. NOT necessarily USING drugs, but something thruout the day always makes me think about it, if only to go in one side and right out the other.
It just shows how powerful, addiction REALLY is.


Nobody, (that Ive known) wakes up one morning, and decides they want to be a drug addict.

Its definitely a progressive "state", whether you believe its a deasise or not. This is an ongoing debate. Me, I dont think it really matters WHAT it is, rather WHAT it does to people, families and communities.
I heard on the radio last weekend, that in the state of Oregon alone, there were 143 documented cases of Heroin overdose, and 156 documented cases of prescription drug overdose, that ALL lead to deaths, according to the state medical examiner's office.
I know in other states, like Florida, its something like 8 PER WEEK.

This is definitely becoming a bigger and bigger problem all the time.
There will always be the 'functional addicts' that do "okay" and still appear to be 'normal' from the outside looking in.
One day though, it WILL catch up. I was functional, for at least a few years. I managed to go to work everyday, and pay most of my bills.
I cant even tell you the point that it got worse, it just did, in what seemed like the blink of an eye.

It was those days that I always told myself I'd never, ever do heroin too. But like I said, its progressive.
The day that I finally gave in,
I had been "sick" for about two days, and I was driving around with a 'buddy'......
We had to have been in the car looking for pills, for at least 6 hours.
Finally he says "thats it" and tells me what neighborhood to go next, explains that he's buying some "black" and I can sit in the car and shake and sweat if I want to, but he'll be feeling better in about 15mins.

If you've come down off a very high dose of opiates, than by all means, judge my decision. But if you haven't, there's just no way I can put into words what it feels like.
I can try, and keep it short, and say
it feels like every horrible feeling youve ever had in your entire life coming all at once into your head, along with uncontrollable bowels, CONSTANT sweating that makes you feel hot one minute and Freezing/shivering cold the next, you can actually see your muscles twitch underneath your skin, and your bones throb.
sounds awesome right???
And the problem that day, was I couldn't find the flavor I liked basically, that would take it away.
But I did find an alternative.
My tolerance must have been pretty high, because, 'not sick' was all I felt. but, that was good enough at the time.

Its such a relief, not having to worry about that shit now. Not stressing out about when I'll be sick next, and what Im gonna have to do, to not be.
the fact that my son wont remember any of that time, is such a relief. a HUGE one. I absolutely treasure the moments I have with him, and other family members for that matter these days.

Saturday or Sunday mornings, watching cable TV, snuggled under a blanket with my son is the highlight of my week these days. Sometimes we go to the park, or shopping, or whatever, you know it depends on the weather a lot here. Kids look at you like you can do no wrong, and that just blows my mind. There was a time, when I didn't even deserve to be in his presence. So I guess I'm just trying to make sure that never happens again. If he's gonna have any chance at all, at not repeating my mistakes, I definitely can't be showing him the 'ropes'

For some people, losing time with their kids isnt enough. Having no where to go, and nothing really at all, still isn't enough. I'm not sure what makes you "get it" or not. I do know, its a seldom few that do.
And I'm so thankful to be one, for one more day.

That's it for me tonight.
thanks for letting me unload..................





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