Sunday, April 1, 2012

351 days, without drugs, alcohol or mj

So, Ive been wanting to do this for awhile, wasnt sure  how to get started. (I really dont even care if noone at all reads it, though it would  be nice)
Getting some of these thoughts to process OUT of my head seems to be more important than ever these days.

So almost one year ago,
I was completely desperate. I was in full blown addiction to any and all opiates, including herion. I did try to come by any other substance first though, before giving in to the 'monster' of H......
we'll save that story for another day.....

Im on suboxone. Some people say this isnt clean, or sober. For those people I ask them to do some actual research, some real digging and statistics.
And I'll tell them this.....
being on suboxone has been no picnic at all.
some say it's an OPIATE. Sorry, but no its not.
I withdrew from opiates, for a full THREE months , all WHILE on suboxone. if it was TRUELY an opiate, why was I sweating, shitting, and vomiting???
Now, truthfully, it was no where near as bad as FULL withdrawl, but I already knew at that time I couldnt do it.
I had tried to quit at least 5 times the year prior to my induction on sub.
It was awful, terrible, the worst days in my memory bank. I was suicidal, and I didnt care about anyone, not even myself. I never even UNDERstood suicide, untill those lovely days spent upon my bathroom floor. maybe thats why they call it 'rock bottom' .....
cuz you really feel like your there.
so, to sum up.....
suboxone is as 'clean' as I'll ever be. Opiate abuse for 10+ years, it really pulls some nasty tricks on your brain. Ive gone 'off' my meds twice since my induction, both times for a week.
all I can say, is , it was no fun. Im not talking about withdrawl, I barely felt anything.
I mean it, NOTHING......no hapiness, sadness, no drive, nothing.
so, here I am, on my suboxone. And Im okay with that. I dont feel anything when I take it, I do feel depressed, and crave opiates when I do not.

I work construction full time, and I have a husband and 3 year old son. My husband stays home with our son at this time. the 'job' situation around here is sad to say the least, and I didnt work for about 4 years, so I told him its his turn. and, to offset the cost of fulltime daycare, he'd have to find a pretty damn good job!!!!
it just makes sense for our family right now.

back to my original point, , ,
why is the one year milestone such a big one???
they all have been big for me,,,,,,I remember 7 days being EPIC.
I hadnt had 7 days , , since I was a teenager.
while in my full blown addiction, it always seemed like I could make it 3 days, that was when I had completely run outta options. . . when an addict runs outta options, you know all thier clever ideas have run out.....

the one thing I remember most, is being an addict is SO MUCH WORK. people think addicts are lazy, , , well they are dead wrong.
first thing from waking in the morning, you gotta be working on 'not being sick' for the day. sometimes its 9pm before you've got everything together, then go to bed , just to wake up and do it agian.
I remember, just being completely outta excuses, and options and everything a year ago.
I was tired. tired of my own lies. . . AND my family had really full blown found out, which I thought I had done a good job of hiding,, but who was I kidding?? I didnt even believe my lies anymore.
so my induction day was April 14th, 2011......and I was soposed to quit taking everything for at least 3 days prior. And I really tried, I truely did. but lets not forget, I AM a drug addict.
I did cut down. ALOT.....I remember the day before like it was yesterday. I had woken up on the 13th, and I had two methadone, and two oxy 80s left. I snorted the two 80s as soon as I woke up, (had the generics, not the op's)
And later in the day, I stood in the middle of my living room, and said,
"here it goes, my last two pills, ever. Im really gonna do this"
and down the hatch they went.
my husband looked at me like he had lost all hope long ago. Like he was ready to throw me in the street for real if I didnt really commit to this thing.

So I did it. I went to the doctors the next day......lied my ass off about not taking anything for two days, and was inducted.
like I said already, no picnic.
but it did relieve enough of my raging brain telling me to rob the next pharmacy I drove by to get high......which was a good thing indeed.

Other things going on in my life right now......
Im thriving at my job. . . for the first time in at least 8 years, I have no fear of being fired. Of course I work my ass off, and I dont steal. that really helps!!

Im getting dentures. Yes, 30 years old, Ive had all but 4 of my teeth pulled on the bottom, Im getting a partial denture there, and ALL are coming out on the top very soon, for a full denture.....
ten years of addiction, will surely do a 'number' on your teeth.
yes, its expensive. but its worth it.
I dont 'feel' like a junkie these days, but I still completely 'look' the part.

well, thanks for listening, I'll write more soon.

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