Sunday, April 29, 2012

10 top teeth out......check!!

On Thursday, I got my top molars pulled out. Actually, everything except the two front teeth, the ones on each side of the fronts, and he left one eye tooth.
I asked for it to happen this way, he said we could take them ALL out, and I could just 'deal with no teeth' for a bit. But, I really wanted to have a FEW teeth up there, even if they aren't great!

I'm really happy this is almost over. Its downhill from here, because all that's left is these 5 top middle ones. My stitches come out on May 10th, and my next appointment after that will be getting the last ones pulled, and walking out of the office with NEW TEETH.

I really had to tell my dentist how happy I was to find someone I could trust, and confide in. He seemed not to take that lightly either with the bad experiences Ive had at other places. Since the very first appointment, he's been more than happy to work with me being on suboxone, keeping in contact with my doctor, and being flexible financially.
And he even congratulates me on my recovery time. Definitely different treatment than Ive received other places.

Okay, so YES, it hurts.
But, it doesn't hurt as bad as when I got the bottoms pulled. I had a really bad infection when I got the molars on the bottom out. Even though I had had two abscesses on the top in the last few months, I dont think it was "on-going" like the bottom was.

I have to say too,
that turning down pain pills for the discomfort, has been a double edge sword.....
On one hand, my 'evil' side, is like WTF are you doing????
On the other,
it feels really empowering, to absolutely shoot down something I was a slave to for SOOOO
long. Just the thought of taking something makes me sick to my stomach. Like I'd be letting the 'evil' back in to my life.
Everything has changed so much, since I left it behind.

I don't think recovery is supposed to be easy. A lot of us talk about hard you really have to work, especially at first when you don't have ANYTHING because you've lost it all to your addiction. You slowly start back up though, and as you get further down the 'road' of this journey, all of a sudden people that lost faith in you, seem to have a glimmer of hope in their eyes for you once again.
I honestly believe, if it were EASY, than it would be too easy to "fall back in".
Like you'd think, oh I can just go get high today, because I can get back 'here' no problem, is wasn't that hard.
That's definitely NOT how its been for me.
Its been a real struggle to get the things back that I lost. Im not even close to having all of it back either. Somethings I never will get back, but Im okay with that today.

Its taken me a long time to deal with the guilt too. One of the reasons I believe I haven't relapsed, is because I tell myself its "okay" because I wont make the same mistakes again, and that's why I deserve forgiveness. Forgiving yourself, being the most important. Self-hatred and everything that comes with it, will definitely put you right back into the 'pit'.

So I was half-way sedated with "triazelam" for my 2 1/2 hour procedure. Which is completely safe to take along with my suboxone, because its not an opiate, but a "benzo".
The dentist wrote my Rx for a few xtra, to help me sleep the few nights after also. That's what I did last time, and the last time I pretty much slept thru the first 24 hours, because it hurt so bad. My gums felt like they were on fire, and I could feel them throb with every beat of my heart. The burning/throbbing lasted about 48 hours, and then they just throbbed for another 3 days or so. This time's much different. There hasn't been any burning really at all, just alot of soreness around my cheeks, nose, sinus area, etc. My gums do throb a little, but not nearly as intense as before. So, this time I took one of the pill to help me sleep Friday night, and Saturday I was doing "okay"
Today, its still pretty sore. I've been eating soup and smoothies, that's about it.

Tomorrow, its back to work I go. Although, Im glad I did take friday off and have a 3 day weekend. I pretty much slept most of Friday. Yesterday I went grocery shopping, and did some laundry. I felt completely exhausted afterwards. That's the biggest thing Ive noticed this time around, the pain isn't nearly as bad, but I'm just SO tired!!!

I cant hardly wait for it to all be over.
Ive learned a valuable lesson here. I know "what Im made of"  these days.

That's all I got for today, thanks for listening.

He told me this day when we went to the beach,
"mommy, you make me so happy"
And gave me a big 'ol hug
That right there, makes IT ALL worth it

Friday, April 20, 2012

My "Fuck you" letter to addiction

 In group therapy, we were asked to write a "fuck you" letter to our addiction. 
Here's mine

When I first met you, I thought you were everything I ever wanted. 
You made me confident, energetic, and absolutely happy. The way
I thought "normal" people felt.
As time went on, 
I got less confident, had no energy and was anything but happy. I hardly
ever saw anyone but you, and I didn't do anything with my time that 
wasn't centered around you.

You stole everything I ever had. No, it didn't happen overnight. It was
actually much more painful to watch everything disappear in this horrible 
slow-motion roller coaster ride that I couldn't control.
You made breathing, impossible without you.

So I'm saying Fuck you, forever.
I've taken my life back, WITHOUT you.
I wont ever beg for you again. Because I know, it may feel good for
a bit, but I'm just too tired to fight to keep you alive, even for a day.

I fought for years and years to keep you. I hid in a corner from everything, 
and everyone, with you. When I was sick, I thought you were all I needed.
For awhile that was the case. But all you did, was make me sick once again.
My bones would ache for you, my skin burned for you and my mind came
up with whatever I needed to do to get ahold of you once again.
I even quit you a time or two before, but you always were able to suck me 
back in again. You hide in the corner silently, waiting for me to be weak, 
lonely, afraid or anxious, and you attack. You are always there, waiting
for the moment you think I'll give in. 
But every day, I leave you a little further behind.

I'm stronger than Ive ever been. 
You had beat me down into nothing. I didn't think Id ever have a chance,
but I started a war with you anyway.
It started as just a mere battle, but wining that one tiny battle, put enough
wind behind my back, to push on. If even for only an hour at a time.

So Fuck you,
I've come so far without you, and its going to stay that way.
Fuck you and everything you stole from me.
Its taken me a whole year,
but I've got my dignity back, 
and even a little confidence.

I'm telling everyone about you, too.
That's what you loved the most, was to be my secret. So you could manipulate
me, and terrorize me while nobody watched. That way, I had no one but you,
for comfort anymore.

Well, fuck you, cuz your not my dirty secret anymore.

I can finally look at myself in the mirror again, and not feel ashamed. When I look 
into my son's eyes, I dont feel like a piece of shit anymore.
I stand taller, and walk with my head held high.
These are all things that were impossible while I held you on my shoulders.

Everyday, I get stronger. I know your still there, hiding, waiting & watching.
That only teaches me to never let my guard down. 

Fuck you, cuz I'm gonna win this time.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

the little things

Its the little things nowadays..........
that keep me clean. The things that never even crossed my mind while hunting down my next high or doing whatever I had to, to get it.
Theres a few songs, that have really struck a chord with me, since I started this journey of recovery. And one of them is..................

I've been lost in the darkness for so long
I can't see the light
I've been strung out, burned, left out, and hung out to dry.
So I say to myself that I wanna get better
Hidin' from the truth, I can't last forever
Jesus help me
Obviously, I can't help myself
I've got nobody else
Send me an Angel
Someone to strangle
That ol' demon that's haunting me there on the shelf
I can't help myself.
My excuses are so old and tired, hell I forgot 'em
I keep fallin' and crawlin' and drownin' down here on the bottom
Yeah I pushed back my brothers said good-bye to my friends
When you get in this deep the hell never ends
Give me a reason to live; show me a sign
I'm on the edge; goin' out of my mind
I'm down on my knees; I'm beggin' you please make me somebody else
I can't help myself
I need something stronger, pour it all over me
Send me an Angel
Someone to strangle that ol' demon
'Cause you know that I never will
I can't help myself

Lord, I can't help myself

I never considered myself to be very religious, but more spiritual I guess. Im still kinda trying to figure it all out. But one thing I absolutely believe, with all of my heart is that my son was sent to me, to help me be a better person.
A good person has always been there, but I lost her for awhile. I was raised to be a descent human being, I know I was.
But addiction, steals everything from you in this sort of slow motion process. You begin to lose your 'moral compass'
at first, you may lie to hide your addiction from others, or lie to the doctor for instance. Then lets say for instance, you spend all your family's money for groceries on drugs, so you steal some groceries, cuz hey you gotta eat right???
See, how it just whirls outta control??
and pretty soon, NOTHING, is 'over the line'
whereas before, before you were a junkie, ANY of it would have been unthinkable.
then, you try and 'clean up'
and you feel this enormous weight of guilt and shame, for everything you've done.
thats where that glue comes in handy, that Ive talked about before. You just gotta pick up the pieces, and TRY to make it better.
(sometimes it works, and sometimes there's not enough glue).

It took about three months of weekly therapy sessions, for me to accept myself, and my mistakes. To understand, IM not a bad person, Ive just MADE bad decisions.

Maybe thats why its easier, to say No, sometimes?
because it took me so long to be okay with all the shit I already did??
Those times that it is easy to dismiss the thought of using again, I envision that big 'ol shit tornado Ive talked about and Im like NO Freaking way!!
Other times, like when Im stressed out, or feel lonely,,,, Its definitely harder.
I still think about drugs every day. NOT necessarily USING drugs, but something thruout the day always makes me think about it, if only to go in one side and right out the other.
It just shows how powerful, addiction REALLY is.

Nobody, (that Ive known) wakes up one morning, and decides they want to be a drug addict.

Its definitely a progressive "state", whether you believe its a deasise or not. This is an ongoing debate. Me, I dont think it really matters WHAT it is, rather WHAT it does to people, families and communities.
I heard on the radio last weekend, that in the state of Oregon alone, there were 143 documented cases of Heroin overdose, and 156 documented cases of prescription drug overdose, that ALL lead to deaths, according to the state medical examiner's office.
I know in other states, like Florida, its something like 8 PER WEEK.

This is definitely becoming a bigger and bigger problem all the time.
There will always be the 'functional addicts' that do "okay" and still appear to be 'normal' from the outside looking in.
One day though, it WILL catch up. I was functional, for at least a few years. I managed to go to work everyday, and pay most of my bills.
I cant even tell you the point that it got worse, it just did, in what seemed like the blink of an eye.

It was those days that I always told myself I'd never, ever do heroin too. But like I said, its progressive.
The day that I finally gave in,
I had been "sick" for about two days, and I was driving around with a 'buddy'......
We had to have been in the car looking for pills, for at least 6 hours.
Finally he says "thats it" and tells me what neighborhood to go next, explains that he's buying some "black" and I can sit in the car and shake and sweat if I want to, but he'll be feeling better in about 15mins.

If you've come down off a very high dose of opiates, than by all means, judge my decision. But if you haven't, there's just no way I can put into words what it feels like.
I can try, and keep it short, and say
it feels like every horrible feeling youve ever had in your entire life coming all at once into your head, along with uncontrollable bowels, CONSTANT sweating that makes you feel hot one minute and Freezing/shivering cold the next, you can actually see your muscles twitch underneath your skin, and your bones throb.
sounds awesome right???
And the problem that day, was I couldn't find the flavor I liked basically, that would take it away.
But I did find an alternative.
My tolerance must have been pretty high, because, 'not sick' was all I felt. but, that was good enough at the time.

Its such a relief, not having to worry about that shit now. Not stressing out about when I'll be sick next, and what Im gonna have to do, to not be.
the fact that my son wont remember any of that time, is such a relief. a HUGE one. I absolutely treasure the moments I have with him, and other family members for that matter these days.

Saturday or Sunday mornings, watching cable TV, snuggled under a blanket with my son is the highlight of my week these days. Sometimes we go to the park, or shopping, or whatever, you know it depends on the weather a lot here. Kids look at you like you can do no wrong, and that just blows my mind. There was a time, when I didn't even deserve to be in his presence. So I guess I'm just trying to make sure that never happens again. If he's gonna have any chance at all, at not repeating my mistakes, I definitely can't be showing him the 'ropes'

For some people, losing time with their kids isnt enough. Having no where to go, and nothing really at all, still isn't enough. I'm not sure what makes you "get it" or not. I do know, its a seldom few that do.
And I'm so thankful to be one, for one more day.

That's it for me tonight.
thanks for letting me unload..................

Saturday, April 14, 2012

ONE YEAR, today

one year,
12 months,
52 weeks,
365 days,
8 765.81277 hours
525 948.766 minutes
and as of this moment, ive had 3657188  sober HEARTBEATS

It hasn't been easy.
But it's definitely been worth it.
Ive never appreciated the 'little things' in life, as much as I do today.....
I think, you can be as happy as you want to be, and that beauty, truely IS in the eye the beholder.

When you've had absolutely nothing, lost everything, including your morals, I think you can see past many 'flaws' and truely take in precious moments of your life.

Someone looking in from the outside on my life today, probably wouldnt see very much.
But I guarantee, its LOADS more than I had one year ago.

Some things have gotten easier. In the beginning, it was really hard, to stay away from getting high, believe me.
But now, getting high doesnt quite have the 'lust' for me it once did. YES, there are times, more than I'd like to admit, that I still long for that rush.
But I can honestly say that at least 2 outta 5 times it happens, the thought kind of breezes right thru my head, and straight back out.
I think to myself, Nah, Its too much work.
And it may be terrible to say, but watching some people fall back down into that deep dark pit of despair, helps too.
At least someones gaining, from thier loss right?? Ive seen alot of people come and go from the 'sober train' in a year, let me tell ya.
And when they fall, it doesnt take very long, and everythings just as bad for them, if not worse when they said "that's enough" the time before.
This isnt my first attempt at recovery either.
I do remember every time, I tried quiting before, I was worse with drugs when I went back. I had this 'fuck it' kind of attitude, like if Im gonna be a drug addict, I might as well be a good one. Or maybe it was the need I felt, not to feel anything at all, agian. Because I had lived a few days or a week sober, and had a bunch of emotional baggage surface. And I just had to bury it again, this time deeper.
Then when things were REALLY getting bad, I tried a methadone program. There were moments, of sanity, that I did do well. I was able to follow instructions occasionally, and take my prescription as instructed. BUT for me, it was just too easy to abuse it. I can honestly say I abused it way more than it helped me. Maybe it helped me by not using a 'cocktail' of drugs, because I was just taking one. But, you can always take more methadone, and get the 'nod'.
Ive never had that with suboxone.
I took extra suboxone a few times, when my mouth was absessed so badly I couldnt feel my face, and when I had 10 teeth extracted.
And, honestly, I felt NO different than if I just took my prescribed dose. I remember talking to my doctor about this, and he was just listening, acting like he knew this all along. Im sure he did, and that I wasnt his first experience with this issue.
He says thats why suboxone, is a 'better match' for replacement therapy. Theres a 'ceiling level' and theres no risk of overdose, becuase its not a true opiate. All it does is 'trick' the opiate receptors. You know, the part of my brain, that makes EVERYthing hurt, even my hair, when I dont have opiates.
I know, for a fact, that I would not have made it this far with out suboxone. And maybe someday I will, truly be ready to come off it. I hope so, but right now I'm still completely scared of going back into that deep dark pit.
ANYwhere is better than that, so the suboxone train is just fine with me.

Im getting nervous about my teeth getting pulled agian. I mean, I know Im going to be just fine. But this battle goes on in my head sometimes, about using opiates agian for pain.
My doctor says he thinks it'd be just fine, because theres a high level of naloxone (narcan) in my system already, and it would block all 'euphoric' effects of anything I take.
and who could blame me for taking something for pain after having ten molars pulled, right??

so its like this 'free pass' to use........
I mean, of course its not using, if you "take it as directed, and just for pain"
this just becomes TOO much of a fine line for me.
I'm in pain every day. I wake up every morning with a sore back. I can hardly walk when I first get up.
I sit in the recliner for a few mins at like 430 am, take some motrin, and after an hour I stretch, and it finaly feels better,, I can get ready for work.
So my thing is, if its "okay" to take whatever for pain with my teeth, wouldnt it be just fine to take it for my back?????
Oh yea, Im an addict. Already tried that, and it doesnt work out too well with me.

See the dilema??
So, Im just gonna 'wing it'
The last time the dentist gave me a type of benzo, that doesnt affect my suboxone. it helped me relax enough to get my teeth pulled, and  I used that to help me sleep as well. Im just gonna for that plan again.  The dentist said one of those pills is out of your system in about 8 hours, so thats why he uses it. (half life is 6-8 hrs) and thats why its "non habit forming"
Im convinced ANYTHING can be habit forming, for me!!!
I was still, completely awake for my procedure, had my Mp3 player with me, to drown out all the horrible sounds!!
It was still a long two hours.

Oh well, the day's coming closer all the time.

Happy one year birthday to me today.

Im going to play with my kiddo, and have an awesome weekend, in general. I really hope you all do the same.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Easter, has a new meaning for me

Happy Easter, to everyone and their family......
It was an exciting morning here, and pretty fun.
Yesterday, we did the usual Easter activities, taking Sam to see the Easter bunny, and doing the egg hunt.
I couldnt help but think a little bit of how I wasnt feeling well last year, and my heart wasnt really in it.  I was there and everything, but I was only about a week on my suboxone, and still sweating out everything I had put into my body. It felt literally like I was getting rid of all the toxins of my past, one drop of sweat at a time.
So last year I kept telling myself,,,,,
"you gotta stick with it this time"
"next year will be different, if you can just make it thru the rough part"
"think of how different things will be a year from now"

Little did I realise, its ALL rough, but definitely not as rough as the first week.

I AM in a much different spot. And I know it hasnt been easy, in any way making it this far, but I DID IT.
Now, I have to keep hanging on. The bitch of it is, you dont hit some 'magic number' of days, and all the urges/temptations go away.
I mean if that were the case, people that go to prison for 4 or 5 years, wouldn't have any problem, right?
Instead alot of them, don't even make it a week.
That's the power of addiction.

Over the last year, Ive changed everything, just about. Ive grown personally, spiritually, and financially. I know Ive changed the way Im a parent to my son, and every other relationship in my life.
Before, I just isolated. I just wanted to be alone, and left alone. That's what happens when you've even given up on yourself.
Ive held a full time job for ALMOST a year. And, Ive only had one sick day!!! That was when my mouth was abscessed so badly, that I was actually sick. I had been taking antibiotics for 4 days solid, every 2 hours, and they still hadn't worked yet. My mouth was so swollen, I couldn't feel my face.
THAT, the fact that Ive called in sick ONE day, in almost a year, is a HUGE change from how I once was. I think I was 'sick' one day, for every 3 days I worked.

We also went to a birthday party yesterday, Sam had such a good time. It was at the indoor playpark here in town.
They have a huge bounce house there, and Sam was jumping inside, but there were no other kids in it at the time..... He says, "come in mommy, PLEASE"
well, of course I did!!
I had a great time as well, but didnt realise how much of a workout those damn things are!!
then, a few of the kids saw me in there, throwing sam across the bounce house, and WAY up into the air, OF course they wanted a turn too.........
Well, I tired out fairly quickly, but I did last long enough to toss all the kids at least twice, and Sam looked at me like I was the coolest thing ever.
And I knew, in my heart at that moment, This Easter weekend would have never been like that without the battle Ive gone thru this last year.
So Im thankful every day,
for my family & friends, and ALL the support I get; without them, I'd never make it.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

A new smile by summer

Its no secret,
how bad my teeth are. Anyone who knows me, knows I mostly smile without showing them at all. When Im around people Im comfortable with, I almost forget, when I laugh really hard. That is until my mouths open, then I remember.
And lets not forget to mention how fun it is dealing with abscesses all the time, and shopping at the grocery store according to 'what you can chew' without much for teeth.
It has gotten a little better, since  I had 9 teeth pulled at the end of febuary. they were mostly all broken off at the gum line anyway. The absess/deasise had gotten so bad, that the last abscess took almost a month to get rid of. I was sick, all over my body, not just my mouth. thats when grandma and I talked about getting the money together to get my teeth fixed. since I started working, Ive given her a good portion of my paychecks, for ONE to pay her back for all the shit I put her thru, and for TWO because even now, when I have a lot of money in my pocket, my addict brain kicks in and TRIES to convince me to spend it like the old days. Not a good scenario........
So, with her help, is THE ONLY reason Im able to get this done. And Im more thankful than I can put into words. Ive told her before, she should have left me on the side of the road, years ago. but like Ive said before, she must be hard wired to love me no matter what.
Back to my point,
I have 5 teeth of my own on the bottom, after my 9 extractions.
On April 26th, Im going to have all but 5 front teeth pulled, meaning all my molars. there's about 4 that are broken off at the gums like the bottom was.
Four weeks AFTER that appointment, Im going back in, to have the last 5 on top pulled, and I'll leave with NEW TEETH!!!! on top and bottom!!!!!!!
Now, he says, I probly wont want to wear the top denture much at first, but I need to try. Well, I will, let me tell ya.
Im doing the top in sections, so that I dont have to walk around for weeks, without any teeth while the molar holes heal up. AND the second reason, is because Im having all this work done without any pain meds, besides motrin , tylenol, and my suboxone.
At my last apt, they gave me a couple 'benzos' to take, called "triazolam"
My regular doctor was totally okay with this, saying its the best thing for me, because it'll help me relax while getting my teeth chipped out, and should help me sleep, all while not affecting my suboxone at all.
It did help, but Im telling you, getting 9 teeth pulled was still an ordeal. But I did it, and it made me even stronger. Like, if you can do THIS, you can do anything!!

Ive been to just about every dentist in this county.
The vast majority, would say, "how did your teeth get so bad"
I'd tell them I was a drug user, and part of that time I abused methadone, because alot of dentist/doctors know that opiates in general cause really bad dry mouth, and for some reason moreso of people that are on methadone, have thinning enamel. Not everyone, because part of it is genetics too, is what Ive heard from more than one doctor. So the dry mouth, thinning enamel, and the fact that you crave sweets like you couldnt imagine coming off opiates, really can do damage to your teeth. It might start with a cavity, but are you really gonna pay $200 for a dentist visit when you cant even keep $10, because EVERY dollar you have goes to your addiction???????????
probably one cavity, turns to 5, then broken teeth, then the gums growing over it.

Anyway, as soon as I'd mention drug use, they couldnt get me outta the office fast enough.
that last abscess I was talking about, that felt like it was killing me, well a few weeks before that, when it was still just 'infected' I saw THREE different dentists, and NONE of them would do anything unless I had about 4 grand.
then I'd get pushed outtta the office ASAP.
Dr Lienessar, was completely different.
even from the beginning.
when I tell him how much 'clean time' I have, he's shaking my hand, telling me "great job, thats no easy task there"
THATS why Im seeing him.
Today, it seemed like he was ALMOST as excited as me, to get new teeth.
the last time I saw him, when I got my stitches out, I was telling him i wanted the rest pulled ASAP!!!
He explained to me that we 'really need to be patient and let my mouth heal'
I was sorta bummed, but then after I thought about it, I was like, well, he must be right, or know what he's doing, because any other dentist I saw would have been in a HELL FIRE hurry to pull my teeth, and get the money!!!!
Dr. Lienessar was using analogies, like, "if you were my 30 yr old kid, this is how I would want you to go about your treatment"

Im so excited to get my teeth fixed. Im so happy that I'll be able to eat chips, and popcorn, WHATEVER I want!! I know it'll be sore for  along time, and I'll have to be patient, but theres LIGHT at the end of the tunnel!!!!!!!!!!

Thats all Ive got for today, But Im sure glad I started writing on here. I was seeing my therapist, every week. I decided to take a break though, just for awhile. This blog REALLY helps fill the gap for me..........

Monday, April 2, 2012

Creating good karma, and being a good example

So, I got off work today, and the sun was shining.....
Got home, my husband seemed overwhelmed with our 3 yr old son....He's not overwhelmed most days, but some days, you really cant blame him, anybody would be!
I thought, what a great chance to take him to the park. I like the park across the bridge, better than the one a few miles away, because it's fenced, and my boy, is kind of a runner.
So we played, yes, I act just like he does, for about an hour. There was this elderly lady there, watching what had to have been her great grandkids, and she was asking different people as they were leaving if they could help her.....
Nobody was really listening. And to tell you the honest truth, it was getting cold, and it was 730, I was ready to go home and sit in the recliner. As I was getting in the car, I just couldnt leave her. Its this 'conscious' I've developed.......
This promise Ive made to myself, and everyone who loves me to be a better person. A better person than Ive been in the past, and a better person than 'average'......Ive gotta lot of ground to make up for all the bad shit I pulled ya know....
So she says she think she left her lights on. I pull out the jumper cables I always have in the car, because there was a time, when I never took care of anything, and my car hardly ever ran, let alone started.
I hook up the cables and she is just so thankful.
the car still wouldnt start, and I tell her I dont think its the battery. She was driving a pretty small car, it had to be a 4cylinder engine in it too.
I left my car hooked up for like 15 mins, and it still wouldnt start. I can tell she's cold, and hell I am too!!
I ask her if she needs a ride somewhere, or needs to use my phone. She tells me she does have someone on the way to help.
So as Im waiting, for whoever to show up, my son starts getting restless, and asking why are we sitting here.
I tell him, this lady was stuck, and she needed help. He seemed just fine with that, and I told him he could get a treat on the way home is he's good.
So now its been like a half hour since I put the jumper cables on, and the car still wont start. just at the time Im about to completely give up, her help arrives.
The guy gets out and asks if I was able to do any good, I explain, not at all.....
He said hes gonna wait there, and brought a battery charger, but the ladys husband is on the way, so thankyou very much. He actually said it way more than once,
and I tell him,
Hey, you gotta make good karma points once in awhile right???

When we get home, my son is SO excited to tell his daddy all about how mommy helped this lady at the park......

I just couldnt help but to think how much different my story, or his I guess, could have been.

There are very few addicts that make it out of addiction alive. The statistics are terrible.

I want to be one of the lucky ones. So Ive got to keep fighting. Today, was a fairly easy day for me. But they sure arent all this way. When the hard days come around, it hits you like a ton of bricks, in the chest.
But I'll be thankful for today.

In my years of addiction, Ive known 5 people personally, that had died from thier drug of choice, or lack there of, and trying to fix the problem.
I would say 3 of them were close, meaning I talked to them at least once a week.
And even then, it wasnt enough to set me straight.
One of them, had a small child, that actually found him in the morning, cold and not breathing. At the time of his death, my son was less than a year old, and I still completely failed to 'connect the dots' that the same thing could happen to me, eventually.
Another one of these friends, was actually really close to me, I talked to her every day for at least two years, and before that about once a week. I did all her grocery shopping, and everything. She was 15 years older than me, and she would try and talk to me about my 'habit' all while I was supporting it, by selling for her.It wasnt until after she died, that I even really heard her words, if that makes any sense at all.
 Im the one, that found her. It's hard for me to talk about, though I did go thru the process, in counseling just recently, which did help alot.

there are so many good people out there, that fall into drug addiction, and become people that they at one time, would have been disgusted with.
And it really doesnt matter how much you love them, or anything else, theres absolutely nothing you can do until THEY are ready to change.
and some of them never are, or never will be.
they may clean up for short periods of time, or long periods of time. Ive been there, and there was a time where nothing would stop me. It didnt matter what I lost, or where I was, IT had a hold of me, and wasnt letting go.
I dont know what the secret is, I just know how I got here.

All in all, I feel good today......And it was great to run around with my lil boy for awhile this evening. Those are the moments I cherish lately, because I almost lost them.
Spending time with my grandma, is right up there too. She used to look at me with such disappointment, and sadness. Nowadays, its completely different. She has a big smile on her face when I walk thru the door. I stop every day on my way home from work, and take out the garbage, bring in the groceries, bring her mail up, whatever she needs. I did so much wrong in the past, that its the only way I can even bare to live with myself.

Its nice that your family is 'hard wired' to love you, no matter what. And Im so happy that I was able to save my marriage along the way. It took a few counseling sessions, and a lot of communication, but I can honestly say we are a happy family. We might not have two cars, or a big fancy house, but if smiles were dollar bills,
we wouldnt have enough space to stack'm

Thanks for listening

Sunday, April 1, 2012

this weekends bout over, Easter's next

Well, my weekend is coming to an end.....
Its okay though, theres another one soon on the way..........

It makes me think of last year, at Easter weekend........The easter egg hunt, with my son. I was having a case of the 'sweats' of course, but other than that I felt pretty good. I was still 'getting used' to NOT having to lie, cheat and steal every second of every day. If memory serves me correctly I was on sub about a week, maybe ten days on easter last year.
It was almost difficult, getting used to the 'calm'

This year, will be completely different.....
Of course I still have my challenges, almost daily.
Id be lying right out my ass if I said I never think about 'going back'
Think about it, people give up everything theyve ever had and MORE, just to get high, theres gotta be some kinda payoff, right????
Well, there is. But a helpfull 'tool' ive learned, is to "play the whole tape"
You know, when you think of jumping off the wagon, you gotta sorta fast forward thru all the 'fun' part, if you can even call it that, and go right to the end, when your stuck there, ALL alone, with nothing, and nobody but your own sick self.......THAT my friend, is no place to be.
This little tool, has helped me quite a bit lately......
Becuase in the end, I wasnt even really getting high anymore. I was only trying to NOT be dopesick......which is a full time job, all on its own...

Thankfully, all those days are over. And writing it down, sure as hell helps me to 'stay close' as to WHY its important to do something for my recovery every day.....
I always tell other people, if your not doing something for your recovery every day, you might as well be getting closer to a relapse. And thats no bullshit.

if you ask someone who HAS relapsed, "how did it happen" the normal answer is "I dont know, it just HAPPENED"
Becuase thats how close it is, all the time.
your addiction, I dont care WHAT its to, hides in the back of your brain, and comes out to 'eat' at the most oportunistic (or NOT) moments........when IT thinks it has the BEST chance at winning. so there it is, just patiently waiting, day after day after day.........

You know, I guess I thought I'd be 'normal' by the time a year was drawing near. Maybe I thought I'd forget all about it, and it wouldnt even cross my mind.
Boy was I ever wrong.......
dont misread me, its definitely not as hard as it was on Day 2 or 5.......but its still no day of sunshine......
Maybe thats good for me, becuase it serves as a constant reminder.

I dont have all the answers......But I am gonna stick with what has been working thus far....

the biggest thought in my mind lately has been ,,,,,,
I dont want to screw up now, becuase Ive come so far. And let me tell you, its been a hell of a road. I didnt even feel like I had gotten ANYwhere, until about 4 months ago. things finally started getting just a LITTLE easier. Like, just enough for me to think "this is starting to pay off"
bout damn time!!!!
But on the other hand, I did send ONE HELL of a SHIT TORNADO thru my life, and every single thing in it.....
that is seriously how I 'invision' my addiction....
this horrible, 2 mile wide tornado, sucking all my money, posessions, family relationships, marriage, (you get the idea) right up into the funnel cloud, and leaving a PATH of destruction. That too, is a good reminder.
Ive spent 11 and a half months, walking in the path of destruction, picking up the bits and pieces left behind.
All the while, trying to 'glue' together the pieces, to form some sort of "life" worth living, once agian...............
some days, it works, and well.
Other days, there just isnt enough glue........

Im glad I started this. It will be good to look back at once in awhile also.....
"Rock Bottom became the solid foundation of which I rebuilt my life"
Thanks for letting me share

351 days, without drugs, alcohol or mj

So, Ive been wanting to do this for awhile, wasnt sure  how to get started. (I really dont even care if noone at all reads it, though it would  be nice)
Getting some of these thoughts to process OUT of my head seems to be more important than ever these days.

So almost one year ago,
I was completely desperate. I was in full blown addiction to any and all opiates, including herion. I did try to come by any other substance first though, before giving in to the 'monster' of H......
we'll save that story for another day.....

Im on suboxone. Some people say this isnt clean, or sober. For those people I ask them to do some actual research, some real digging and statistics.
And I'll tell them this.....
being on suboxone has been no picnic at all.
some say it's an OPIATE. Sorry, but no its not.
I withdrew from opiates, for a full THREE months , all WHILE on suboxone. if it was TRUELY an opiate, why was I sweating, shitting, and vomiting???
Now, truthfully, it was no where near as bad as FULL withdrawl, but I already knew at that time I couldnt do it.
I had tried to quit at least 5 times the year prior to my induction on sub.
It was awful, terrible, the worst days in my memory bank. I was suicidal, and I didnt care about anyone, not even myself. I never even UNDERstood suicide, untill those lovely days spent upon my bathroom floor. maybe thats why they call it 'rock bottom' .....
cuz you really feel like your there.
so, to sum up.....
suboxone is as 'clean' as I'll ever be. Opiate abuse for 10+ years, it really pulls some nasty tricks on your brain. Ive gone 'off' my meds twice since my induction, both times for a week.
all I can say, is , it was no fun. Im not talking about withdrawl, I barely felt anything.
I mean it, hapiness, sadness, no drive, nothing.
so, here I am, on my suboxone. And Im okay with that. I dont feel anything when I take it, I do feel depressed, and crave opiates when I do not.

I work construction full time, and I have a husband and 3 year old son. My husband stays home with our son at this time. the 'job' situation around here is sad to say the least, and I didnt work for about 4 years, so I told him its his turn. and, to offset the cost of fulltime daycare, he'd have to find a pretty damn good job!!!!
it just makes sense for our family right now.

back to my original point, , ,
why is the one year milestone such a big one???
they all have been big for me,,,,,,I remember 7 days being EPIC.
I hadnt had 7 days , , since I was a teenager.
while in my full blown addiction, it always seemed like I could make it 3 days, that was when I had completely run outta options. . . when an addict runs outta options, you know all thier clever ideas have run out.....

the one thing I remember most, is being an addict is SO MUCH WORK. people think addicts are lazy, , , well they are dead wrong.
first thing from waking in the morning, you gotta be working on 'not being sick' for the day. sometimes its 9pm before you've got everything together, then go to bed , just to wake up and do it agian.
I remember, just being completely outta excuses, and options and everything a year ago.
I was tired. tired of my own lies. . . AND my family had really full blown found out, which I thought I had done a good job of hiding,, but who was I kidding?? I didnt even believe my lies anymore.
so my induction day was April 14th, 2011......and I was soposed to quit taking everything for at least 3 days prior. And I really tried, I truely did. but lets not forget, I AM a drug addict.
I did cut down. ALOT.....I remember the day before like it was yesterday. I had woken up on the 13th, and I had two methadone, and two oxy 80s left. I snorted the two 80s as soon as I woke up, (had the generics, not the op's)
And later in the day, I stood in the middle of my living room, and said,
"here it goes, my last two pills, ever. Im really gonna do this"
and down the hatch they went.
my husband looked at me like he had lost all hope long ago. Like he was ready to throw me in the street for real if I didnt really commit to this thing.

So I did it. I went to the doctors the next day......lied my ass off about not taking anything for two days, and was inducted.
like I said already, no picnic.
but it did relieve enough of my raging brain telling me to rob the next pharmacy I drove by to get high......which was a good thing indeed.

Other things going on in my life right now......
Im thriving at my job. . . for the first time in at least 8 years, I have no fear of being fired. Of course I work my ass off, and I dont steal. that really helps!!

Im getting dentures. Yes, 30 years old, Ive had all but 4 of my teeth pulled on the bottom, Im getting a partial denture there, and ALL are coming out on the top very soon, for a full denture.....
ten years of addiction, will surely do a 'number' on your teeth.
yes, its expensive. but its worth it.
I dont 'feel' like a junkie these days, but I still completely 'look' the part.

well, thanks for listening, I'll write more soon.