Tuesday, October 24, 2017

"I think I hear that fat lady singing"

this somehow got deleted,,, when I couldn't find it, I figured out is was backed up on google....

well, here it goes…. caution, raw emotion and mental diarrhea ahead…


Summary of INTRODUCTORY THOUGHTS….on a sensitive topic……….
There’s been a few moments over the past months, Grama has told me, “THE FAT LADY AIN’T SINGING YET”
it was a (still is) long running joke in our “circle” of extended family/friends…… and it’s always funny.
ALWAYS……
further more,,, for some reason, when Grama would give a good one-liner regarding the fat lady’s famous solo, it was the FUNNIEST….
about a week before she passed, I was helping her to the bed, and she looked at me and said, do you hear that hun?
hear what?
I think I hear that fat lady singing ,,, singing for me....
I know grams, I know.

So, let’s see…….
Don’t worry it’s not a deppressing story, well I guess if that’s the way YOU want to remember it or think of it, so be it. BUT I will neither tell the story that way, and I don’t feel that way 99% of the time when I reflect on the events that have taken place… Of course we ALL have our moments of pure insanity, where anything and everything strikes the wrong nerve, and that’s what I meant by 99% of the time…..

NOW , , , ,Knowing that,
I Hope you choose to read on, I have a lot of other stuff to share about as well, and I hope this helps someone, even if it’s just ONE person… if they feel love in their heart, or hope after not having hope for a long time,,, if they feel that by reading my words, stepping into my place for a moment, I’m completely content.

(((let’s get the elephant in the room, out of the way first)))


--------In Regards to Grama’s last few weeks of life--------
My last post/explanation of what was going on with Grama, was on MAY 12th,,,, just about a month to the DAY….. And at that point, schedule was pretty much exactly the same, with a family member or close friend by her side each and every night. My “turn” was Sunday night thru Thursday afternoon, and of course the rest of the family, too…. HA HA HA…. it was funny, when we’d come piling in on sunday late afternoon/early evening, Grandma would ALWAYS greet the boys with an ear to ear smile, she usually had a smile for ME, too….. Since stopping all Chemo treatments in Mid-Febraury (as best I can remember) things went down hill, PRETTY QUICKLY….. It felt very “all of a sudden” she wasn’t really able to leave the house anymore…. walking ANYWHERE,,, even just getting out of the car, and back in the car and into the house again, was WAY TOO MUCH STRENOUS ACTIVITY……
It was the last 4-6 weeks, she slept MOST of the day, and as those days wore on, she was harder and harder to “wake up”........
and if you’re thinking “must be all the drugs”
that couldn’t be further from the truth,
THIS IRON LADY,,,,
was taking ONE TYLENOL W/CODIENE every six hours in some of the FINAL stages of , according to ALL the Hospice nurses, the MOST PAINFUL CANCER THERE IS>... It wasn’t until about three weeks before she passed, she went to stroner (still pill form) pain meds… She wasn’t even on Morphine until the final 48 hours…
you THINK YOU’RE TOUGH???
ha ha ha ha ha ha
This lady coined the meaning, , , “tough enough”
ask anyone,,, ANY ONE, who knew her, they will ALL say the very same thing…. so moving on……
On the EVEN of my MOM’s 60TH BIRTHDAY,,,,
(sorry Mom, I wanted to celebrate YOU, too ya know)
It was a Thursday Night, and my brother was “up” to bat,,,, so to say.
because at this point, it might have been slightly terrible to hear out loud, but we ALL KNEW IT WAS CLOSE… we KNEW it was getting closer and the likelihood that the “DEED” was gonna happen on “my watch” ( or my brothers) was pretty well crystal freakin’ clear.  I was an emotional trainwreck…. So full of anxiety over when, and how and what was gonna happen, WHEN IT HAPPENED….sometimes it felt like it was never gonna come… even tho everyone was predicting otherwise….

Well this particular Thursday night(21st),,,,,
Will said she just didn’t have the strength anymore to “help” get her failing body to the potty … recently Mom and I had asked the Hospice folks about what the “next step” was-------and obviously they suggested a hospital bed…. so she could lie down, and hopefully be more comfortable. Grama was COMPLETELY AGAINST IT…. apparently it wasn’t even “up for discussion” ………
so back to Thursday night, and Will’s experience with, the assisting grama to the bathroom and back to the recliner was just NOT WORKING.. not even a little bit…. apparently Mom went out there, like four am? or something…… and helped…. well Maybe they just carried her….. Mom called the Hospice folks, RIGHT AWAY, and I came over just after 8am, to HELP move everything around, , , to make room for the bed…… When I got out there, Will asked me to help him lift the chair/recliner, to move it across the room and OUT of the walk-way….. I said, “just pick her up?” like thinking, it is gonna scare the dogshit right out of her, and……. well……….. the fat lady’s singing then….. HA HA HA
well,,,, we just lifted her up, like nothing, (she was down to 135 from 208 last winter. )
I was watching her face, , , (she was sleeping as usual)
but I did see her lift ONE EYELID almost half way,,, she saw it was ME and my BROTHER, and she shut her eye again… didn’t say ONE WORD….. the people came in and set up the bed…. Guess they were out of the “regular baseline” kind they normally bring out,,,, so she got a HUGE UPGRADE according to the technician…. Hers was all push button, tons of adjustments, and it was an air-filled mattress,,,? or something similar where you could change how soft/firm the bed was!!

feels like I’m forgetting to explain part of this…. like the story isn’t complete unless I write about a few KEY FACTORS, too…….
Let’s say,,,,
One thing my grandmother was, was PROPER……
“proper” for her day and age,,, “lady like” and socially acceptable.
She “dressed up” to go see the Doctor, Dentist, ETC…..
You didn’t leave the house, in your Pajamas…… EVER…. THE cardinal sin, that one was….
She told me more than once, how she actually was REQUIRED TO ATTEND “FINISHING SCHOOL” For Wives ,,,, when my Grandfather made CHIEF, in the US NAVY.
finishing school…. yes….
and how did that conversation begin??
you’ll love this…. she thought that’s EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED to finally “become a lady”
ha ha ha ha ha
She didn’t give up until I turned 30…. I think she always secretly hoped I’d all of a sudden love lacy gowns, and nail polish, tiarras and sparkly sandals.
BUT,,, it just never happened…..
She was “ok” with that too,,, she just told me, there was NO HARM IN WISHFUL THINKING…
I’d always smile in return, and she’d always try and say in her own way, that no matter what I liked to wear, or what I refused to wear, she loved me anyhow……..
****Okay so BACK ON TOPIC*****   Imagine now,,,, she was still wanting to get dressed EVERY SINGLE DAY,,,, I would say right up until the first week of May or so… then she FINALLY decided it was “acceptable” for her to just wear clean PJ’s every day.
WHEWZ****that was awesome, the day she declared that… because it was getting to be quite a ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS to get her dressed and undressed, just to go to bed… But, that’s not why I did it, obviously….. I did it because she asked me to, because it made HER feel better, if only for a few moments. . . and that,,,, THAT is what life really boils down to. . . . GENERAL HAPPINESS and fulfillment………..
Grama had it….. she wore it on her arm like a badge.
Clearly she explained to me one evening, that she had ZERO regrets in her life, everything she once thought was a regret, turned out to be something she learned a very valuable lesson from, which in turn aided somewhere down the road later on. This made absolutely NO SENSE the first couple times she TRIED explaining….. then BAM,  the last time she started telling me these things, ALL OF A SUDDEN I UNDERSTOOD IT…. and it was a meaningful conversation…… I think I finally released a BIG part of my guilt, the guilt I was harboring from decisions I made that directly effected her in a negative way.. . . . She told me with a single tear letting go, that life was just TOO SHORT to have regrets…. all you can do, is make your choices and run with them….. that’s all any of us can really do.
In my humble opinion,,,
The Bible Study group came over on Saturday… they sang some of Grama’s favorite Hymms, they stood around her and held her hand. . . it was beautiful…. I could tell it made her feel peace…….
Tony the minister, was able to come out late morning on Monday and give  “last rights” ----- grama was never scared… never showed any fear of the unknown… she only ever voiced that if she could “choose” ,,, she’d go in her sleep, with family present, because she was afraid to be alone. . .she didn’t want to be alone when she actually passed …….



watching a loved one, or family/friend fight cancer right up til the very end, CAN be one of the hardest things you’ll ever get thru,,,,
OR,  it CAN be a good excuse for a LOT OF BAD DECISIONS………
you can let the situation DEFINE you, or you can process and move on.
It really is all up to you , though.
When the person you are losing,
is 100% content with the situation, looks back on their life and feels only love and happiness,,,,, well I think that just makes things a HELLOFALOT easier…..
LESS PAINFUL, most of all….

BED IS THERE AND SET UP, BY NOON……. Her friend , that she attended Bible study with, and attending Church services with,,,, whom just so HAPPENS to be on the HOSPICE TEAM as well,,,,, came out that afternoon,,,, to do the catheter, amongst other things. If I am recalling correctly,,,, this is when she started to get some pain control using patches,,,,, and oral pain meds, too….. That combo seemed to make her pretty comfortable, or AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE….

Saturday (23rd/24th) and SUNDAY,,,,
Samuel and myself went out each morning for a short visit, because in all honesty and realistically speaking, I just had no idea how many “LUCID DAYS” or moments , she had left in her.
By Saturday, she was having to drink water , by someone using a dropper, ,  , She had grown so incredibly weak, she couldn’t hold on to ANYTHING, and worse yet, didn’t have the strength to drink thru a straw, either. . . . . . . THAT was incredibly hard to witness….. becuase that was ONE of her Biggest FEARS…. being “out of it” like a crazy person (her words, not mine!!) and layed up  in  a hospital bed…
I’m relieved to tell you she was only  in that bed Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday……
Monday was Memorial Day…. and we somehow made it thru the night Sunday night, and the HOLIDAY, Monday….. Sometime during the day Monday, her breathing pattern really changed…. and it didn’t change for a min, it CHANGED, and it was dramatic.
ALL of a sudden,
she was taking very deep breaths, compared to previously, , , and there was a much longer period of time between breaths…. and it was scary, I won’t lie….

That’s all I ever promised I would be in my writing, HONESTY AND RAW EMOTION,,,,,,,,, SINCERITY  and REALISTIC ASSUMPTIONS….

Monday about 7, I cave and call Hospice…. and Cindy came out and I just Loved her…. I loved all of the nurses, but Cindy really “got” grama’s attitude, and I was grateful for that, for Grama to have her, to help. and BROOKE, too….. Brooke was such a sweetheart… Dianne, the massage therapist, grama was ALWAYS happy to see her!!
Cindy did a fantastic job of explaining to me how to give her liquid morphine for LABORED BREATHING, or “shortness of breath” ETC….
One reason I needed some … HELP, was
You couldn’t really get her to “respond” all day… to ANYTHING….. I saw her smile at Sam, when he walked in the room, and climed on to the bottom of her bed…. the very last time I saw her smile, come to think of it. . . . . .
So, I had more questions for the bestest awesomest friend ever,,,,,, CHEYANNE…. and I really LOVED and appreciated it when she would explain things to me, so I could understand what the hell was going on… LOL….. she explained that BASICALLY,, in a nutshell,,,,, you are medicating the WANT to breath, the INSTINCT to  gasp and fight for air…. and let’s not forget this is what GRAMA CHOSE….. this is what SHE WANTED for the last days of her life.
All my BOYS were sleeping by about 730/8, including Mike since he’s usually OUT the door by THREE AM each and every weekday morning…..
so I was by myself, basically…… with Grama….. and I was ANCY… and anxious and on edge, and partially insane, due to all the panicky feelings that just wouldn’t leave!!
Cheyanne, in REAL FRIEND FORM,
explained to me, if I was ever in doubt, to just give a little more comfort meds… anytime…. because that’s what the CORE of this “COMFORT CARE” is all about  ,, really.
so that’s what I did……
I pulled her recliner forward, so it was directly alongside the bed railing, and I leaned back to watch TV for a bit. When I’m anxious like that, I try to write, and see if that helps…….

Here’s what I wrote…..

***845pm…….
given Grams good ‘ol morphine now… I don’t even know it it’s helping but she seems to quiet down at least a little bit right after I give it to her… I haven’t been able to get her to swallow at all… No water, no morphine, NO LUCK at all… I even rubbed her neck, just under her chin, trying everything the nurses had shown me that will sometimes “trigger” to swallow… I worry because it’s been almost two weeks with no food, and now she’s not drinking water, and hasnt’ for a day or two. “”
***10pm-----
wow. . . . this RATTLE sound everyone talks about,, it’s no fucking joke. it’s horrible… it sounds like there is AN ACTUAL RATTLE IN HER THROAT…. and I still can’t get her to swallow… Now giving morphine every other hour. Man I’m tired, but I’m terrified to fall asleep.
*** midnight…..
the RATTLE SOUND is LOUD NOW…
holy hell it’s louder than the TV, or my own thoughts and demons at this point. . . . I asked if she was in ANY pain, and she told me “no” pretty crystal clear….. I put the head of her bed up as HIGH AS POSSIBLE, that helped a TINY BIT, with the breathing… gave her more meds, too… that helped some as well.
sometime shortly after this, I must have fallen asleep, if only for a few minutes…. I laid there with MY hand over hers, which was on her chest. . . so I could both hear and feel her breathing, as I laid there next to her. Sam came walking in his sleep and crawled up on the side of the recliner, and laid down right next to, well mostly on top of me… LOL….


There are SOME THINGS that just stay with you….. for a long time, , , , , , years and years later, when everything else about your life has completely changed. I tell ya one thing…. I’ll NEVER FORGET the sound of that rattle….. how it pierces your bones, it’s so loud…..
Furthermore…...as GRAMA herself, explained to me just a few weeks prior,,, it’s the lack of being able to swallow that causes  a person’s chest/lungs/airway to sound “wet” or mostly like a RATTLE SOUND… she said, people call it the DEATH RATTLE…. she was telling me about when Uncle David (her son) passed away, Jimmy her brother, and her sisiter, as well as  a few others she had been there for.
as she explained it,,, I thought, a rattle? must just sound wierd… I can’t imagine any KIND of breathing, sounding like a rattle… that’s crazy.


All of a sudden I felt startled, and kinda jumped up out of the chair.
IT WAS SILENT.
everything,,,,,,, was SILENT.
I turned to look at my grama, in that bed next to me…… her head was tilted to the side, her chest still, ,  , eyes closed……
I went to feel for a pulse, (as instructed by the care team)
and much to my surprise there WAS a VERY FAINT pulse, but I only felt maybe 3 times, and that was it…. so she must have JUST STOPPED Breathing, as I woke up.
As I felt her pulse fade away,
I leaned over and told her how incredibly honored I felt, that SHE chose to go, at this moment, at this time, with us there…… and how HAPPY I was she wasn’t in pain, struggling to breath, any longer. I whispered, I hope you are In Uncle David or Grampa’s arms, RIGHT NOW>
I brushed her hair away from her eyes, and looked into her soul, one last time. . .
She lay there, motionless, but peaceful….. LOVED, was all I could think as I looked at her. . .
Now, , , of course I was sad, but I felt as though I’d been grieving for her if not for months, at least weeks. .
and this is my HONEST RAW FEELINGS,,,,, as I stood there, considering what to do next,,, all I felt was LOVE, and a strange sense of well being.
All I felt was ITS GONNA BE OKAY…. like I had a blanket of LOVE wrapped around me….. a blanket that would stop bullets…..

Followed closely by RELIEF………
freedom,
relief,
and sadness….

but most of all,,,
RELIEF.

then I started to feel guilty,
in the following days, for feeling RELIEVED.. or like I was on vacation… LOL….
but, I know why I was feeling like that…. because anyone who has EVER cared for someone who is bed-ridden…. it’s a WHOLE LOT OF WORK,,, NOT TO MENTION,,,, a BABY, a six year old, and a husband, too. . . . . .

It had only been a couple minutes since I had woken up, to discover what had happened…. So I called my mom, and it was 130 in the AM….
Mom answered, and I could tell in the WAY she answered, she already knew…
“she’s not breathing at all mom, she’s gone”
Okay, I’m coming. ARE YOU OKAY?
I was crying a bit,
but got out the words, “I’m okay, just sad”

I carried Sam upstairs, while he slept (yeah, THAT was  a chore!!)
None of us, thought it would be appropriate for him to see the funeral home come out for the “pick up” ….. So I made sure he stayed asleep…. Mike called in for a vacation day, and he let Sam lay next to him,,, which FOR SURE meant he’d stay in bed. He didn’t even budge , really… so it was sucessful.
Funeral home, showed up by 230 ,,,, and was down the road by 330….
I and my Mom took care of pretty much everything we could, right then, and that following morning. . . . . She wanted to be creamated RIGHT AWAY… lol…. and left in the water, at the ocean right by the house, where Grampa and her, watched the sunset over the breakers, almost every single night….



Well this is where I’m gonna end things for tonight.
I have a lot more to share,,,
BASEBALL,
yard work,
“facts my six yr old shares with me”
Mike’s “permission” to LIVE AT HOME FULL TIME..
and how things are overall going well…
I LOVE sharing the GOOD NEWS!!!!
...

Hey, tell the people in your life that you treasure, EXACTLY HOW MUCH they mean to you and HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THEM….
tomorrow is NOT guaranteed….. I promise you won’t regret telling them…. ever……

THANKS FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BROKEN HEART…

for all your kind words, and support, from near AND AFAR !!!!!!  I can FEEL THE LOVE

Saturday, October 7, 2017

The Fat Lady is done singing, for now....... part two (conclusion, short and sweet.)

CONGRATULATIONS.... you've made it to part two, conclusion.....

"the fat lady is singing" (part one)
LINK TO PART ONE.....

so YESTERDAY, was a month.....
30 days without her, now..... without her HERE, with us....   and to tell you the truth, I did really well right up until, well I wasn't....
well in all honesty,,,, around week three, I had a really hard few days. I think it's because I was very used to grama being gone for a week, or ten days, or even 14....... so somewhere after day 14, and before day 30, it kinda hit like a ton of bricks,, that she's not returning.....
I hope that was the worst part. If it was, and I've surpassed it, then I think things will be just fine.
I've certainly kept the car really clean, mostly full of fuel, and clean, inside and outside too.
Sam is overdue for a hair cut, and I don't know if I ever mentioned it HERE before, but that was something he and grama did together, just the two of them..... so he wants to go to the SAME place, which I totally am fine with.... it's just hard......
a few days ago, or maybe about a week after Grama passed,
Sam asked,
"so when I'm talking to Grama, well....... can she....... does she get to come see me ? JUST for a MINUTE? just to give me a HUG? can she do that/??? "

no, hun I'm sorry, she can't.... but she sure WISHES she could....

"well that's sad" he says.....
I said, yes, it is... remember that's why we hugged her so tight and told her we LOVED HER SOOOOO VERY MUCH, every single time we saw her the last few months, remember that?

"yes, I remember"
okay, well that's what we need to think about when we wish we could hug her or hold her one more time.....
we cried together, that day. nothing wrong with that, I don't care who you are or where you come from...... there's not a thing the matter with that.....

So mike's home full time now, too..... which certainly helps ME out quite extensively, in certain areas.... I'm still getting used to it... I'm still half on the fence and half off the fence so to say some days too. I can't control it.... I can't control how much resentment, or anger I feel on any given day, but I'm certainly not trying to punish the guy anymore,,,,,,, for fuck sakes he's paid enough..... personally, spiritually, had all his pride stripped away, you name it. No thanks, , , I just want to have some kind of insurance I won't look like a jackass, in the future.
but I'm not so sure there IS such a thing.

two days before grandma passed,,,, she hugged me, and she said,
am,,, do you hear that?
... what grama, hear what?
I think I hear that fat lady singin my song.
you know how you get that lump in your throat and you can't get words out?
well somehow,,,, I know grama, I know, came out.
and I just hugged her, as tight as I could without actually hurting her.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

A real life hero, doesn't wear a suit. . . . . .

Saturday......

myself and Sam, a friend of mine and her kiddos (that Sam is very good friends with,)

 well the kids had all been cooped up and we thought what better way to run them (the kids) and the dog, and get a lil exercise, too.
We headed down the walking path, and towards the river. there's some homeless camps and stuff near the river and this trail, THAT doesn't concern me, I just don't allow the kids or the dog, off the path.

My friend, her kids were not (but are now) FULLY AWARE that Fritz is at least partially trained with search and rescue.
one thing we know is, he will NOT GIVE UP WHEN SENT AFTER SOMETHING.
we've had to leave the lake before, becuase he was drowning himself diving for a toy that sank...

Knowing that, as Sam does, he had a hold of he leash really tight, by the water.
well I dunno if one of the kids kicked a rock into the river, or threw something, either way they had NO CLUE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN BECUASE OF IT.

all I remember hearing, was Sam absoultely screaming, MOM GET FRITZ, as he made a B LINE FOR THE WATER. (and he was still yelling)
where we were, 
the bank was packed and almost a 45 degree angle, Fritz pretty well slid into the water, then swam about 15 feet out, well the water was very rough , small waves "breaking" on the flat rock, that was obviously too slick to try and navagate.

I''m watching him in the water, as my kid is screaming, don't let him die mom!!!!!

as I stood at the side of the bank, I was trying to one, prepare Sam, in case he really did drown, and not blame anyone, and two, at what point do I jump in the river???

the leash was still attached to him, and his head would bob UNDER the water, as it was tangled in his legs, and he still wasn't giving up on the stick, yet.
I called him over and over again. I don't remember at what point, but Annie walked up to me with her coat wide open and just demanded I drop my phone and EVERYTHING IN MY POCKETS<
I think she COULD SEE I WAS GOING IN.....(or thought, that would sure suck to fall in the water with your phone, too) 

dumped everything out, ran down to where the bank flattens out JUST ENOUGH,
(meaning, I ran along the river bank until I get GET down to the water)
 that I got down to where the breakers, were.
annie stood half way between me, and the top of the bank.

I stood there and told that dog to come to me< NOOOOOWWWWWWWWW
he unwillingly, started for me, but still disappeared under the water a handful of times.
everything runs in slow motion , when in such a situation.

But, as soon as I could reach his collar, I was about half way to my knee in the columbia river,
as soon as I had a good grip on him,
I could feel EVERY muscle in his body relax.
he was absolutely exhausted.

I'm not sure there's any one word to describe the way all the kids were looking at us, and the way I felt at the same time. 

I carried him fireman style, sorta. LOL
up the bank and to the top, and yes I felt like a hero to the kids and I'm pretty sure Annie did to.
we saved the fucking day.

Fritz, and the kids, listened really well, the rest of the time,
and a great day was had by ALL.

Love all my friends, who choose to love me back, UNCONDITIONALLY.
because, that's the ONLY WAY I LOVE.

I hope everyone has a beautiful Sunday.








Saturday, January 9, 2016

another new year, and the lessons are not getting easier.........

***sigh***
I know it's been a really long time. I can say this, hopefully this is entertaining enough, to keep you interested..... ha ha ha
certainly, I know there hasn't been a dull day.

I have several things I'm trying to get accomplished these days and it's taking up the majority of my time. but totally worth it, none the less....

First and foremost I must say that, the boys had a wonderful Christmas, and Thanksgiving was awesome, too. . .

My birthday 
was miserable.... LOL.....
seriously I'm so glad we got out of town when we DID, the month prior because it would have been ten times MORE depressing, had we not celebrated in any way at ALL, because I got strep throat for my BDAY!!! ohh yeah, in the walk in clinic ON my birthday. Happy 34..... I was soooooo ill, because I thought it was a cold or something and I was just being a lame ass. well NO, that's not what happened, at all, as it turns out! I can say, I felt better within a few hours. What really "set up" my horrible experience, was the day before my birthday I was really sick, and looking in the mirror in the bathroom. well, it looked like thrush on my tonsils, and you know, the baby had it, so when he had it I wiped it off, and life went on.
I stuck a QTIP in the back of my throat and proceeding to SCRAPE this white crap off my HUGE GINORMOUS INFLAMED TONSILS,
and I don't even want to say it but puss and blood came out, and let's just say It DID NOT HELP.
I was at the clinic, by 10am I think. THANKS AGAIN MOM, for taking me, and dealing with me... (more about that, later!!)
SO that lasted a couple days, and I got the heck over it.


Sam's Birthday Party.....
it was different without grama, YES, you betcha.
but not nearly as sad as I thought it would be. Sam's birthday was great, too. We were able to have it at the BOUNCE AROUND PLAYPARK this year, and he was absolutely thrilled.
on our way there,
he said, know what, mom.
what sam?
"if I had one wish in the whole wide world, it would be that every year for my birthday grama could come down from heaven or wherever she chosed to live, just for OUR BIRTHDAY TOGETHER, and then she could go back. At least it would be easier, the REST of the days"
sniffle. . sniffle.
me too buddy, ME TOO......
but you know something? I bet she's right here, with us RIGHT NOW. can you feel that love inside your heart? do you?
he rubs where he assumes this spot is,
and looks at me with a grin,
I do feel it mom, I do,,,, I have goosebumps!


CHRISTMAS DAY, and stuff...
We started a *new* Christmas Eve family tradition. To have Chinese Food together
well we might have to change the type of food, after what happened LATER<
but that's alllllllright.
let me say, at least all the christmas type activities were over with. I don't think I could forgive myself, if I "ruined" my kids' holiday but throwing up all over the house. Or laying in the bathroom floor, moaning and crying and wondering what the HELL is WRONG with your body. because it really felt like it was self destructing. What happened? I don't know honestly but this is how it went from my point of view. I'll seperate this out, if you have a weak stomach, you might want to scroll by this paragraph. . . . The doc said, either a stomach bug and or ulcer/s OR bad food poisining like the kind that almost kills you when you eat bad pork. . . . . . . .

Xmas Night, and the worst (abdominal) pain I've felt in life, thus far. 
After we came home from Mom and Dad's house, and we got all the crap brought in from the car, it was stacked all over the house, on top of my "usual" stacks of stuff to do.
Mike usually falls asleep pretty early, so he was watching TV, the boys were watching cartoons. I decided to lay out on the sofa, and put my feet up. I feel asleep, and I remember waking up feeling as if I was just about to vomit. I thought to myself, it feels like I ate some bad food. ohhhhh no.
I layed back down.
nope, THROWING UP RIGHT NOW.  so my head made it over the side of the couch. and ya know, I grabbed my teeth out in the NICK of time. (Yes, thanks grama for that lesson)
all over the "shoe box" by the front door, and yes, absolutely inside a few household members' shoes and work boots.....
I stood up, and immediately felt it was TIME, again ALREADY.
as I tried to hold my breath and lock my jaw together, the first stomach cramp hit my abdomen,
and it hurt so badly,
it felt like it stole the very air inside my lungs, and FELL TO THE FLOOR. and yes, vomitted three more times, right in the middle of the hallway.
I got up again,
holding the wall for balance. I thought, what the HELL WAS THAT? my tubes are zapped so there's like NO chance (but yes very small ) it's a tubal pregnancy. I've heard, that it's kinda like this.
IN THE BATHROOM DOOR I GO.
again, yes, in the toilet though, at least. so there's improvement, maybe.
I hung my head on the side of the seat, hugging the bottom to hold my body up as I felt the second big cramp in my stomach. It felt like an actual knife, in my belly.
Tears were coming from my eyes already and had been. . . but when the pains really intensified, (each time my stomach muscles spasm to throw up, I'd feel the same huge amount of pain)
tears would stream down my face sometimes into my mouth, it made me unable to breath thru my nose even still I was mostly trying to hold my breath.
This continued, I mean every twenty mins, a "bout" of this horrific experience.
I ended up in the bathtub, dry heaving.......
four hours later,
I started to feel like I was going to pass out an now I had sweated so much my tshirt was soaked.
my next move,
call my mom and tell her I need to go to the ER.
Mom and Dad took me up to astoria, and I had the best nurse, ever I think. (besides my bestie, but she'll be numero uno, forever) his name was josh. and I came in, I couldn't walk by myself, and told my mom as we went thru the door, you better tell them I'm on suboxone and tell them I'm gonna throw up within sixty seconds.
she told them, but I don't think they believed her.
Until I laid my head on the desk and vomitted at least twice.
they took me in the "back" immediately.
I told them my stomach pain was the worst ever in my life and made me feel like I was going to pass out it was so painful.
I remember the nurse telling the Dr. I asked for Ibprofen and I remember my mom saying something about how, I don't complain about pain unless it's really bad, like when I had my teeth pulled, I chose no pain meds, but to just stay on my suboxone.
They put in a IV right away,
and I was upfront with josh and the fact that they always seem to have a hard time starting a line since my active addiction days, he asked me to point out where they usually will hit, so I did and then he was apologizing for the pain it might cause, I told him it was ok, and nothing compared to my stomach and thanks so much for not being an asshole to me, even though I admitted to you, I used to have  a drug problem. most people don't react with an apology, to me. you have no idea what that meaans.
I don't know if I got all that out, but man I sure hope I did.
He started it right where I told him and I squeezed my fist and flexed my arm as much as I possibly could for him. I told him, that was by far the smoothest experience I'd had. it still left a bruise for almost a week, but the one from when I had Sully, my arm was so sore I couldn't BEND MY ELBOW for a week. Anyway a bunch of nausea meds and fluid, and I was still vomitting up what felt like my actual fucking organs, until almost two am.
I had a CT and they said my small intestine was VERY inflamed.
after that they gave some pepcid and I think that was the final thing I needed, because it definitely put the fire out that was burning in my throat for ten hours straight.
and if anyone out there is reading this and knows josh, please tell him thank you at least eighty times.
I definitely don't want to forget to say thank you to my mom, for putting up with my whining and crying and moaning , banging on the rails of the bed, the pain was so fucking bad.
She looked like, , , Like I feel when sam is hurt.
it was hard on her, and I just need her to know, I know , and I appreciate it, and thank you.
My dad....
yes, dad brushed my top teeth for me, after it seemed I was done puking.
for any of you who doubt a blended family/second marriage after kids will never work, I'm sorry but you're sadly mistaken. Thanks Dad. I didn't understand much about your morals or anything else growing up, but I certainly have a different perspective, NOW. and I definitely thank you, for everything. even when you didn't HAVE TO, you DID.

So,,,,,, all the gross stuff is over. 
I still didn't feel great for three or four days. I didn't eat an actual meal for almost a week... and NO I DIDNT LOSE ONE FREAKING POUND..... yeah!! how's that possible? IM NOT SURE!!

HAPPY 2016
I started walking (and jogging as much as I could)
every morning, before the kids get up last SEPTEMBER..... I'll tell you this, that first week or so is a real bitch!!!   I swear I drug myself out of the house with one leg.... LOL
I'd be laying in bed, and the alarm would go off. and I wouldn't wanna go!!
but then I'd start to think, about how I was within five pounds of exactly what I weighed nine months pregnant, I'd get OUT of bed and just GO.
you just GOTTA GET OUTTA BED..
so much easier said than done!!!
anyway,
by week three, I was waking up with this INCREDIBLE AMOUNT OF ENERGY, I mean, wanting to go..... by the time a month went by, it was a new habit and I would actually ENJOY IT.... and how I feel right afterwards....
Cheyanne started going with me, and although she still isn't able to jog the whole thing, yet, she's dead set on not giving up and that's all that matters to me!!
sometimes, I'll go again, later in the day, especialy if I'm feeling anxious for any reason or my stomach feels like knots, then I'll go again and BOOM I'm better.
it's so great. so shocking, so NOT "ME" if you'd have asked me years ago, I would have laughed you away. LOL.... I thought all the gym people, etc were just plain NUTZO.
Haven't changed my diet MUCH, I just make better choices whenever possible. But we have a grocery budget, and food is getting really expensive. When you factor in the state judging gross income, they won't even consider a documented court garnishment, it still "counts" like you are living on that money!!! soooooo yeah, it's not easy. but I'm trying.
I have lost just about thirty pounds. That's not MY MAIN reason for doing it anyway. I want to be able to work as hard (fast) or harder than anyone else, no matter their age, experience, ETC... that's one of the things I used to take a lot of pride in. I'd capture my competitive spirit by "competing" in my head with everyone else on the job. Sure makes the day fly by, and I was usually winning. HA HA HA

Sam is doing SUPER AWESOME STILL, in school.

He got BOTH his front teeth.....
Grama used to ask me at LEAST once a month, when he was gonna get those teeth!!
Sam is CONVINCED Grams sent them, to him, one for his birthday, and the other for christmas..
****sniffle, sniffle****
The pediatrician wants Sullivan to have an ESD evaluation already. He's "borderline" delayed.
I keep taking deep breaths.... I think it's a weeeeeee bit early for that.

other than that they are both really thriving and seem very happy. Sully is really attached to his Daddy right now. He cries for him during the day, so I'll call him, and sully will kiss and hug the phone and say wuv u da da.
it's the sweetest thing ever. LOL
and I think it's really good for Both Mike and Sullivan..

Mike's Probation  saga..........
He has the original Probation Officer again..... and that's been OKAY actually.
Except THIS ONE LIL THING......

I dunno six or eight months ago,
Mike tells me he "technically" needs six month of aftercare, which is going to class once a month instead of every single week.
He and I went and spoke with his therapist, who informed us both, he could make the after care shorter, if need be.
SO this one day, we're in the car about a month ago.
he says,
I really hate to say this but my probation is being extended because in the plea agreement it states BOTH graduate the state certified program AND 36 months, which ever occurs, LAST.

oh awesome.
so DisneyLand will have to happen next Christmas or Spring Break 2017.
(mike also said the therapist told me he's not gonna take any calls from you.... OH really? ya that makes perfect sense)
an I really feel like I checked out mentally, for a while.
I had to.....
it's like I was thinking for thirty fucking months now, we're almost there, we're almost there, and now BAM fucking back to square one.
it's HIS FAULT IT"S completely HIS FAULT.
and I told him that.
you know he used to try and minimize my feelings and say I was dramatic, ETC ETC.
now when I go off like that he just sits there and says sorry every time he CAN get the word in and looks at me like, I'm trying, I'm here, I'm listening, I'll take whatever beating I deserve.
and he won't "fight" with me, argue, or anything.
it's so infuriating!!!
LOL
but I think things are getting better. His communication is getting better and his parenting is definitely improving leaps and bounds.

Sam and Mike are going to a movie and to get a haircut, and it's the first time since BEFORE JANUARY 2013 that he's been able to take Sam somewhere by himself.
they are both absolutely elated. Sam even had tears when I told him it was really happening.

I do miss my grama, very much.... I think of her on and off thru the day. sometimes a tear will roll down my cheek, for no reason that I can think of.
When I'm running in the morning, and it's barely raining on me,
as the drops touch my face, I sometimes pretend, they are her kisses.
I'm doing allright.

I'll end things there for tonight, I do have more to tell you all but I don't know when it will get done....
January 2016
I love you.
I'm OKAY
***even on my worst day, I'm still a fucking rock star***

I'm gonna share a few pictures, and that'll have to do!!

ALL MY LOVE
amber











CHRISTMAS EVE DINNER











Sunday, September 27, 2015

Skeletons and Acceptance

There's a lot of things I've learned recently. Mostly about myself. You know, it's amazing to me, that still four years later, I still feel like im trying to find my footing. It's easier, don't get me wrong but I don't know that I ever realized how long the struggle lasts. A LIFE TIME......

We all have things we're not proud of, moments in our lives when maybe we lost control, lost what was most important to us, but by the time we realize that, it's too late. It can really kick you in the gut, when your past kind of collides with the present, and you're unprepared. I'm still making amends with people, for my past actions. All I can do is try, and try again. 
Just recently, I was able to make amends with a person very close to my heart. She wasn't ready for a long time, I mean three years! But that's OKAY. I don't fault her for that, she only wanted to make sure I was really doing it this time. As anyone who has loved an addict can tell you, it sucks to think and believe we're finally better, then we relapse AGAIN........
She forgave me and we shared a bear hug, she held the baby, we laughed and cried about the past and went our separate ways. But I am here to tell you, there was a weight lifted off of me like none other that I have ever experienced. It was a wonderful day. 

Children put their parents on a pedastal , and all too often the parent has no idea. Did you know that by apologizing to your own children, it makes them more likely to come to YOU when they seek forgiveness? It's true. I couldn't imagine fessing up to my mom, without having heard her own apology, for any other reason. 
Sam and I went to see his new doctor. It was about a two hour appt. she was awesome. She even assured me that she doesn't turn anyone in to the authorities, without telling you that first. I said well already been there, done that, and it doesn't even scare me anymore! Lol. We laughed, we cried, then Sam joined us. She has a ton of Lego in her office , so they got along JUST fine! I guess that's why it took six months to get into see her! She's THAT great. I'm so relieved to have an ALLIANCE in this department. We upped the Strattera dose about 20% and left everything else the same. I told her in front of Sam, he's in charge of the meds, he's the one putting it in his body, etc. when he expressed his hate for adderall and the stomach aches, she read a study in her book about stimulants and growth, so Sam was reassured, he didn't have to try them again. 
We had some good conversation on the way home, too. He's doing TERRIFIC in school! He's been getting homework done "when I finish my work in class, I just do it " so he already has it done by the time he's home, we don't have to argue about it or anything,,!!!!!!  Amazing I know! 

Sullivan is running around all over these days !!!!!!
He certainly stays busy! He already says almost ten different words, he cracks himself up ALL the time too! He's about 35 pounds and wears a 24mo/2t. 
He's bigger, both taller and heavier than Sam was at 13 months. 
Sam's baby book says at 13 months he was 26 pounds, and wearing 12/18mo. 
Wow. Wonder how much taller he'll be at almost 7 , like Sam, he's almost at my shoulder. 

They're both very happy boys. We're all happy, really........ I mean considering everything, we could be antisocial and hostile, but instead we're happy to be together! 

Mikes almost completely done with his treatment classes, he's gone to pretty much every single week, the last two and a half years. He's got one chapter of book work left, then he'll only have to attend once per month, and as of February, he'll be completely off supervision. He's trying so hard, to make sure he does everything right. Please don't forget all the ridiculous shit we have (he has) weathered to get to the point we're at. In a nutshell, an overnight stay took 18 months of good/perfect behavior. The first six months he couldn't call Sam on the phone, just when Sully was born he could only be at the hospital for 4 hours, and had to be escorted in and out by security. 
The PO that he's had since February,,,,is leaving......ya I know....
Apparently he got a better job. I can't blame him, I mean he seems to really care and wants to actually help people so this is probably not the best place for him..... And of COURSE who is back? Ya, but at least this time things are a lot different, hopefully she doesn't try to change anything! Our visitation schedule, living arrangement, has been signed by a judge so We're hoping that means it will take a judges signature to CHANGE it, too. 
He earned a bonus at work, we talked about it and decided to get it in November, to use for Christmas gifts. This is going to be the first year in a very long time that we'll be able to buy more than one thing for the boys for Christmas. !!!!!!!! And I want Sam and Sully to pick a kid off the tree to buy for!!!! You have to remember to give back you know? It's muy importante' 
Ohhhhhh 
Sam has two football games near the Astoria hospital, and chris signed off that he MAY ATTEND both games at their last appt. yay!!!! Sam is so so happy! And my mom and dad are going to! So now he's even MORE excited! 
Mike would ask me to record the baseball games, and I did do it a few times. But then I thought about it, and the next time he asked, I said no. Of course he asked why,,,,, and I said,
I'm not mad or angry anymore, I'm way over that part. Buy me recording the game, it doesn't make it OKAY that you're NOT there....doesn't mean he or I will ever forget why you can't go. And I'm not trying to throw it in your face or punish you more, I'm telling you how I FEEL even though I'm not proud of it, it feels unfair. I don't even want to go half of the time, but I lost my choice. 
He of course felt like shit, but instead of getting mad or resentful toward me, he apologized, and thanked me for telling him how I really felt about it. I'm telling you, he's changed a lot. 

So here comes winter! After the first of the year my brother and I will be getting the business going, hopefully. LOL. No, we will because I actually got him talked into helping, and of course being a business partner basically. Hes definitely what I was lacking in the office department! Now I feel so much more confident about it! 

So stay tuned folks. I promise it won't be so long before I write again! 
I love all you guys SO MUCH!!
Thanks for listening.